Sunday, May 30, 2010


Last Sunday afternoon (one week ago) we went to a BBQ. Approximately 2.5 hours after arrival, after our kids had made-out intensely with other people's germs, we learned that one of the hosts' children was down with a fever. At the time I told the male partner: "if my kids get sick, I'm going to TP your house." I was not joking and figured it was adequate revenge for not warning me they had some variant of the fucking black plague (I would have turned down the invitation and firebombed their house). Gauging by childhood illness incubation times, at least one of my kids would fall ill mid week, banning them from school for a day or worse, from daycare for two, and completely fucking up the lives of their adult caregivers.

The suspense is likely too much....

Wendesday night: Child comes down with fever.

Friday, out drinking and carousing after work, happen across male keeper of viral vector. Wag my finger at him and say "I'm going to get you! You fucker." Him: "whatever, I'm doing you a favour, educating your child's immune system!" Me: "I'm going to TP your house. You better Watch Your Back!"

Today: Child number two comes down with fever. Tomorrow is a school day. Decided to take the revenge up a notch. Here are my options:

a) just TP his car. that will teach him.
b) throw a burning bag of poop at his front door at 3 am (you know, to mimic my sleepless nights due to sick kids).
c) Slash his tires; or at least flatten one.
d) feed him some botchulism.
e) sneakily piss in his beer.

I say D. But you tell me.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


This is a picture of my bum. After I dragged it on the floor. After I put on roller skates and was challenged to a "race." (who can say no to that?) That blue glowing alien hand is the paramedic cleaning up my ass wound. It stang, okay. And I couldn't stop laughing at all the guy paramedics who refused to even look. It hurt to sit for two days. But it was so worth it. (roller derby = radness and a gigantic love stroke for my ever growing ego.)

Monday, May 17, 2010

Guitar Solo

My Rock Band will Sound Like a Rock Band.

(if I don't break myself to death in roller derby)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Notes from Paris

Too bad you still smell like man pee.