Sunday, July 26, 2009

Today's Goal

Hm. Let's see. It's 10:29 p.m. I think I'll design and construct a jumpsuit for myself tonight. I think I need an espresso....
Designed by me. Made inside three hours. One piece.

Worn out in public to a LBD party with heels and a white jacket.
I'm a fucking superhero. In my own mind anyway.

Today's Motto

"The secret to Life: Hanging out with people you like."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Things found

After consultation with my career advisor, I've decided I'm quitting my life. Forming a band. And it will look like this.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Why I hate garbage day

I got home from the lab too late last night (was it 2 a.m.? I don't know) and promptly fell asleep on the couch. At 5:30 in the fucking a dot m dot, I am awakened by the sound that I can only imagine is a huge flock of extremely angry seagulls gang fighting each other with knives and guns over my garbage, outside my open window. This continued for what felt like infinity, or at least until the lead-footed three-year-old speed-junkie was awakened from his slumber (by the birds) and did his morning gymnastics routine which sounded like a jackhammer dismantling the second floor. Which was all well and good cause I moved to a quieter room. But then the garbage trucks. They started driving. Two or three came by with their screechy break stops every two minutes. At this point I decided it was time to get up. Today I did not like garbage day.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


And then.

First, they tried to join the Reserves. (but finger sucking gets your application rejected.)

Then they went on rides. Neville: "I almost died." Dexter: "I almost broke my arm."

Then they had ice cream for lunch. 

Then they caught frogs.

And perhaps we played on the beach, watched a parade, and sometimes cried.
The End.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Some days are just weird. Some days make me wonder: Am I Crazy? in a panicked, tunnel vision, sort of "oh my god, maybe this is a true self actualization" moment. Today was just one of those days. For three reasons:

Odd Event #1. A hairless, shirtless running man with shorts way way too short (so short that when the wind blew, I saw things I should not have seen), who ran up to me while I was ordering food from the chip truck and said "it's okay, I'm just running to HERE." Huh? 

Questions I was left with: Was that the coming of God? Did I fail the test? Did I just completely blow him off as a near-naked weirdo? Would the 21st century God be hairless like the women in 21st century porn? Should I have high fived him when I saw his naked left bum check?

Odd Event #2. Everyone in the grocery store fell into one of three categories: a) had Crazy Eyes that made me think "CHRIST! look away, LOOK A-WAY." b) was handicapped in an understated yet creepy kinda way c) was a midget. And I thought: this is TOO outlandish I must be mad! I decided to look again, have an unbiased second opinion. Nope. Everyone looked loopy, mostly off centre and completely too small. 

Odd Event #3. The tail-less squirrel that lopped across my path. 

At this point, having spent a total of 30 minutes in the public domain today, I was 85% certain, that something, something, was up and probably out to fuck with me.

And that's when it occurred to me: I've lost my mind cause only people who are mad think like that. So I went home and made super and pretended like everything was normal.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Today's discovery

Nutella on timbits. All in the name of growing my boobies.
('s working)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

Went to the country; ate a lot of peaches

Unsolved mysteries:
1. watching fatal attraction at 5 a.m. on the airplane is a fine way to spend the early morning.
2. The woods makes my boobs bigger. 
3. getting there: aged me five years. mountain water: revitalized me. returning to civilization: nearly killed me. 
4. Lewis + airplane seatbelt = toddler on amphetamines. 
5. Mucking around for hours in the deep woods is fun.  
6. Maritime friendliness is jarring juxtaposed to my acquired central-canadian surliness.  
7. Kids don't care about rental cars. Not at all. Not one little bit. 
8. Rocket launchers are heavy and boys like it when girls try to lift them.
9. I was raised wild. I had forgotten.
10. beaches are the secret to the universe (or to concentrated fun-ness)
11. frogs are endlessly entertaining. As are ponds. And decaying ocean creatures. 
12. peaches are delicious.

Mysteries solved
1. cheap plan tickets usually mean waking up and driving at 3 a.m. 
2. children who wake up at 3 a.m. suck by 10 a.m.
3. dial-up internet keeps a person from wasting their life online.
4. tv fills the internet void
5. work is ridiculously lame and seemingly unimportant compared to simple forest living.

Current Kick

An urgent desire to delete my electronic life, give away all my stuff, run into the woods and talk to people only twice a year. Good luck trying to find me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Late Nights at the Lab

If left alone too long I turn feral. And give myself ponies. And then take pictures.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

How to: Take a chance #2

Tonight I booked a weekend adventure for four (me and three children for three days) to Nova Scotia. That would be this weekend. And no, I'm not particularly rich, but it feels like it as tickets were retardedly cheap. And when I say retardedly, I mean I'm pretty sure someone at the airline forgot to carry the one, or forgot the "required rape charge" that is the airport fee or was disgruntled and decided to fuck with the airline by under charging everyone. Am I excited? Hells yeah. And afraid. About 70% afraid. 

The Last Time

The last time it was sunny and nice (this is July? who would have known) we played outside on our concrete backyard.
And "Best Outfit" goes to Lewis.

My Gang: Chillin'.

Today's Motto

Sleep is for Dreamers.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Today's Goal

Get a "license in the art of getting things done."

HA! I'll add that to my To-Do list. Just under: Join Scientology.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Canada Day Realization

The best thing about fireworks: the sound and feel of the Explosion! (I'm listening and feeling the fireworks from my kitchen table. It is awesome: feels like war, makes my heart pound fast.) 

In terms of visuals: I prefer the moon. If only it had exploding sound effects....