Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
1. Whining: "I don't like it; Lew is showing his food! I'm not hungry. This is gross. When I grow up I'm going to be a vegetarian!"
2. Asking: as soon as I sit down for "more," a drink, a cloth to clean up hands or a spill.
3. Smacking lips and slurping.
4. Me and my own nagging voice: "sit down! sit still. Eat with your mouth closed. Do I look like your slave? Your legs are not broken. Take your plates to the kitchen if you are done. I hear smacking lips!"
5. Words like Poop. Bum. Fart. Penis.
6. The Cat meowing.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
This happens every year: I get used to waking up at dawn, start to like it even, look forward to continuing doing it, get used to having so much awake time in the mornings to get shit done and then BHAM! You Jerk. You mug me in the night and leave me for dead and I wake up feeling like I've slept in a gutter after having passed out from a brutal beating (although I think my exact words this morning on the telephone with my mother were: "it feels my my head has been kicked in and someone took a shit in my eye." Sorry Mom.). And I never see it coming. Someone told me at 10 pm last night "don't forget, we lose an hour!" and I was all "WHAT? THE? Fuck. Shit. GodDamn!" It takes me around two months for my body to figure out this loss of time. So long barf-free early morning work outs. So long relatively pleasant early morning me. Oh, and the children! I haven't forgotten the children. I just don't want to talk about it. That's it. I'm moving to Saskatchewan.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dumb porn star solves a complex trig problem in response to online fan question:
Amazed, Smart Porn Star says "Wow! You could get a PhD you know."
Dumb porn star responds, "I know. that's why I get tested twice a year."
Dumb porn star leans in close to the camera: "Nobody thinks it can happen to them, but anyone can get a Phd.* Make sure you get tested. Thank you."
*here's hoping that's the case.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Tonight someone new to my life confessed that for ten years (maybe a few less) they were mildly stalking me. Who knew? Apparently not me (seriously, I've always been a lot oblivious to such things). And since I was born to be a rock star, I was flattered and asked them if we should make out, you know, because I'm so rad. They said no and that it was better when they didn't know me at all and that perhaps I should stop talking altogether cause I'm really killing it for them. Sigh. Oh well, at least I won't need a restraining order.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Oh third child of mine. You are so cute. And energetic and always hungry (boy! you can eat). And curious! My you are curious. And sometimes, I wish hurricane rhymed with Lew because that is what you are: A little absolutely destructive force of nature. And sneaky. Damn you are sneaking. Why just yesterday while I was meditating with my eyes closed under all the covers in my bed (it's how I concentrate the best!) you methodically and systematically eviscerated the third floor inside of ten minutes. Might have been twenty...hard to say cause time flies when I am trying to achieve enlightenment. And I didn't hear a thing. In fact, I thought you were playing a very quiet game of "learning how to use the potty" or "doing the dishes." Perhaps I also knew better but never mind.
We had to leave the house that day. For several hours. For your own personal safety. And I had to have one (okay okay two) beers in someone else's backyard all before 1 pm (It was Saturday and the sun was shining and there was a trampoline!). It seems you won't be outgrowing this anytime soon. And I'm beginning to understand this is something about you that I Love. A lot. I just have to be a better parent and figure out how to use your talents for good instead of for entropy. Seriously, too bad they don't have March Break camps for international espionage or hire nearly four-year-olds on demolition crews. You'd excel. Kisses!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Doctor: "oh, so you took all of your clothes off..."
Me: "um, yeah, I'm here for a physical? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"
Doctor: "Except your hat. Why do you still have your hat on? Did you have chemo or something or just a bad hair day?"
Me: "hahahaaaaa. yeah. habit. I always wear my hat because I always have bad hair."
Doctor: "do you do drugs?"
Sometimes I really don't make a good first impression.