Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Last Time I thought I was going to go blind

1. completely disregard signs that my left eye is giving me problems. Blame the fuzzy vision and slight irritation on the contact not the eye. Keep this up for eight hours of shopping.
2. remove contact and notice: huh. weird. vision still messed up. maybe I just need to sleep it off.
3. wake up at 3 am in excruciating pain.
4. take a shower. try to sleep. worry I'm probably going to go blind. make a plan.
5. at 8 am, Run myself to the ER.
6. start comparing the pain to giving birth. realize vision is totally deteriorating. begin to (mildly, just on the inside) freak the fuck out. try to figure out how I'll ambush the doctor if I can't see him. focus on developing my "other senses."
7. ER doc dumps freezing-drops into my eye. Offer him a blowjob if he'd let me have some of that god juice for later.
8. get to see my "impressive" infection. feel the pain relief wearing off. panic.
9. 10:00 am: fill the "every two hour application" prescription. Bust it home and take ALL the pain meds I can. In one hour begin to beg and count minutes until I can have more.
10. make deals with non-existent entities re: I will never ever ever abuse my contact wearing again. 
11. take to bed since I can't open my eyes. 
12. 4 pm: start designing my glass eye.
13. get invited to a New Year's party. State "I'LL BE THERE" if I'm not having eye removal surgery. imagine myself at the party with a healed eye. imagine I'll feel incredible. 
14. 6:00 pm: notice I've stopped calling everyone I know begging for oxycodon.
15. 8:39 pm: I can open my eye! make a sandwich. feel optimistic about survival. begin to worry about narcotic constipation.
16. Oh I forgot: get caught wearing an eye patch in public. feel proud.
17. Rewrite motto from shop till you drop to shop till you go blind.   

Monday, December 28, 2009

Things Found*

In K-Town (3 hours of downtown shopping):
1 Black Pleather Skirt
1 Sweet Sweet (SWEET) Jumpsuit
40 points of pleasure

In MTL (6 hours of driving, 10 hours of downtown shopping):
1 pair of red shoes
1 pair of Orange boots
1 business-time dress
1 pair of too-tight grey pants
1 very empty gas tank
2000 points of pleasure
1 new tradition

*UPDATE: and 1 "Very Impressive" (said the ER doctor this morning at 8 am) cornea infection (which, btw, is very very hurty)


Questing Questing

(yes I'm such a fucking sucker)

Sunday, December 27, 2009


December is still not over. I think December is trying to kill me. Can a month kill a person? The suspense (can it? can't it?) is torture. I'm 70/30 at the moment. I am going to try to distract myself by doing things I have not done before. Today this includes: hanging a picture. On a wall. 

I know. You probably want to do this too. And you are probably envious. 

My only concern? That I've actually done this before but it was so dull I deleted it from my mind. I hope that isn't the case. But I do seem to recall that it involves a drill, a calculator (YES!), a measuring tape, and a wall anchor. And x-ray vision to see the wall hazards. (pipes, wires, time capsules.) 

I suppose I should take a nap first. You know, before all this hard work.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Breakfast: so good.

Rye toast with apple butter, bacon (under the toast), orange juice (spilled on the table) and a slab of chocolate (the blob at the right). The background? Christmas aftermath.

Boxing Day "phews"

As in: Phew! it was almost a BIG problem.
1. The cat probably isn't going to die
2. The source of the "human" urine smell in the basement was uncovered and cleaned (fucking gross)
3. The "sty" in Dex's eye is finally responding to the topical polysporin. 

Friday, December 25, 2009

Lesson #73: Cooking Christmas Dinner

Don't take a nap while cooking the turkey.

Chirstmas, 2009 part II

4:00 am 
Dexter: We've got presents!
Me: It's still midnight. go back to bed

5:00 am
Me: GAH it's not light out, it's still nighttime go back to bed!! Jesus Christ.

6:45 am (in the dark and rushing downstairs)
Dexter: Daddy said we can have our stockings!
Me: no he didn't. the rule is when it's daylight and everyone is up! Back upstairs! Pronto.

6:55 am
Neville: Oh no! It's getting Darker!

7:05 am 
Dexter: it's daylight!! Christmas Time!
Me: oh for the love of mercy...alright alright.

7:10 am
Me: slow down, someone is going to get a bad bad paper cut! AND then? who will be having any FUN?!

7:30 am
Dexter: Are there anymore presents?
Lewis: Chocolate! Trucks! Candy! Trucks!
Me: Coffee? Why didn't santa make me coffee? Jerk.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

How to: pull christmas off in one day

1. drink too much wine the night before
2. sleep in.
3. Make Lists (To Do and To Get) AND a quest map.
4. Buy a bunch of stuff. Almost lose the car keys. Find them in my back pocket.
5. Take a BREAK. eat candy. drink tea. do various other Non-xmas-prepratory stuff.
6. Notice it's 3pm. GAH. Start making cookies. For Santa.
7. 3:05: oh no. the presents. forgot about that. shit. put the cookie dough in the fridge.
8. 3:30. Call my "other sister." Have a long and fantastically ridiculous conversation with Brato about our (brief) memories of going to mass last year and what he wants for christmas ("the head of a wooden Christian icon") and his new job as "price labeling boy" at the local store. Discuss explosive string. Talk about German Fruitcake and how calling it fruitcake is an insult. Make a Note to Self: Ask Brato's Mom for German Fruitcake next year. Oh and learn to write German.
9. 4:00 pm. shit. the cookies...
10. notice I forgot to put on deodorant.
11. 4.05: decide to take a nap
12. 5:00: wake up
13. pour myself a large glass of wine. 
12. start cooking dinner...cook, eat, clean up
13. hang stockings, leave cookies, kiss kids goodnight
14. 9:00 pm: pull out all the presents, start wrapping....
15. discuss our collective teenage-hood till 11:50. Head to Mass.
16. Arrive at Midnight Mass just in time for the last song and for everyone to leave. stand around and be two heathens. Swear that last year it was actually at Midnight. Try to crash another Mass without success. Number of full Masses I've attended in my life: 0. The mystery is really starting to get to me.
17. Arrive home. Read Mastering the Art of French cooking. Fall asleep almost under the tree.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


What are the odds I'll get murdered during daylight hours at my work place given that I'm the only person here? And it's so close to Christmas? Doesn't Christmas make murderers even more murdery? I think so.

Calculator says: 45%  

It's really very creepy up here. Just me and the Odd janitor? I'm guessing that's what that noise was...shit. I'm so dead.

(7 hours left to go.)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Shit. More of the same. Except less. 36 hours left to go.

Last Night

I had a dream that the people I Really Miss sent me messages on my telephone. 


Field Report to You: Oh My God.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

33 years of misunderstanding

Rules I live by:
Rule #1: Give it away.
Rule #2: if some is good, A SUPER-LOT is probably amazing. 
Rule #3: if you can, put off doing stuff. sometimes procrastination saves the day (66% of the time). 
Rule #4: leave your shoes on when you come in my house. if you feel like it. and maybe someday you'll all let me do the same when I visit you.
Rule #5: people who say they are good, the most kind, the most awesome are usually the biggest dickwads/jerkfaces.  punch them for good measure.
Rule #6: holding on to stuff (anything) is futile. Particularly: children, people, life security, candy. 
Rule #7: popcorn is bad. poutine is good. steak, potatoes and bags of candy are best.
Rule #8: sometimes, just shut the hell up. 
Rule #9: pay attention
Rule #10: there is nothing to be scared of. except rabies. of course.
Rule #11: chasing the damn cat is a waste of time.

Oh No

Sign me up. to the flying trapeze. Yes Please!!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Things Found

Please remember me, fondly, mistakenly.

chirstmas, 2009

I was going to say something about christmas, but my mind is clogged with swear words lodged in cynical diatribes. and nobody wants to read that nonsense. So I'll just eat piece of chocolate #148 (of the morning) and quietly work on taking over the world with my small army of tinfoil men.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

2010: I'm going to murder you with awesomeness!**COMPLETE

This year I'm going to do it. Totally totally do IT. IT being all those things I didn't do but said I would last year. Except be a better person. That's just futile. And frankly: people who say they are good, yikes, stay away from them (rule #5).

Top 20 to-dos this year:
1. ride a rollercoaster
2. expect less
3. taste-test LOTS of wine and discover five that I love. know them by name.
4. climb a real-live mountain on another continent
5. drive to the desert. 
6. go to a strip-club (never been)
7. go to NYC: practice hunting for apartments (for when I retire and live there)
8. become awesome at high-kicks
9. and punches
10. go skiing at least twice
11. stop drinking so much (which directly conflicts with #3)
12. learn to read minds/the future, better: point out to people when I know what's going to happen before it happens. Just so I can creep them out.
13. Seriously, I'm going to really learn how to cook properly. I'm over being an adequate chef. I want to see my food give someone a mouth orgasm. 
14. do what I say I'm going to do: so yes, I'm making a cake next week. for realsies. 
15. make a fucking quilt; ask my sister to help me make a fucking quilt.
16. stop giving a shit. except about things that REALLY matter: life and death and regular bowel movements.
17. be a picture of social grace, etiquette and charm. except of course, when I feel like being a raging jackass (89% of the time-thanks new calculator).
18. love, regardless
19. GROW LONG HAIR AND TELL PEOPLE ALL ABOUT IT.  (Hair update! it can touch the tip of my nose. The last time it was this long, I lived on Robie St. in another city and listened to albums on my record player and almost took up smoking as a full-time hobby. but learned to dive in the Atlantic instead.) 
20. turn everything into a story. tell the world.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Today's Charms

Besides the fact that every single paper towel dispenser that I encountered today was empty, this was a rad day. Namely because I bought a new calculator: 

It is plastic. And gigantic. and was 9 dollars. I won't lie. I've been in a significant slump for that last two years, work-wise, and have accomplished next to nothing, but with this (above): holy crap. I'm going to get some serious workage done. Serious. Subtractions. Serious. Science. I plan to calculate stuff everywhere: on the bus; in the bathroom; while I'm waiting in line to get coffee. I also got my hands on some polaroid film! It says on the instructions that this film (779) is ideal for crime scene documentation. Step 1: find my polaroid camera. Step 2: generate crime scene. Oh what FUN! Step 3: get back to work. I swear. 87.5% probable. (I used my new calculator to calculate that.)

Monday, December 14, 2009

How to: make a memory

Decide: I don't give a shit about the Olympic Torch that is coming through town at 6:30 pm. Arrive home: 6:35 pm. Decide: hey wait! I want to see it!! Bust in the door and Yell, KIDS GET YOUR CLOTHES ON LETS GO SEE THE TORCH FASTER FASTER. Throw Lew on my shoulders, walk as fast as we can to the end of our street, repeating, we probably missed it, we probably missed it all the way. Arrive at the bottom of the street just in time to see the torch running by, and decide to Run With The Torch (with one kid on my shoulders and two running behind me) and get swept away with the crowd. Run all the way to Market Square. 

Feel Fucking Triumphant. 

Decide I'll remember this forever.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Things found

"...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Blame it on my wild heart. 

Sunday, December 6, 2009

July, 1979

That's what the back says anyway: July, 1979. I think this was at the farmhouse in Nova Scotia and I think that's Dad's arm. And the story goes: someone made a joke that I was going to stay with Lloyd Forever and I cried because I thought it was true. But I was two. And Lloyd knew better: he's laughing! And when Dad called this morning and woke me out of a deep sleep, so deep my muscles forgot how to work, the last thing I thought he would say was that Lloyd had died in the night. Dying is strange. And when people die, it makes the memory of them (and them in your life) seem so much more fragile and slippery.  

My second Real Regret in life is that I didn't name a child after him. 

Thursday, December 3, 2009


My kids are pretty fucking rad. 

I hope they'll want to hang out with me when I'm old.

Things found

Holy shit. stop the world. 


In the school-yard:

Dexter's BFF: "So, what's your 'celebration' project on? Mine's on Christmas. I love christmas!"

Dexter: "Mine's on Easter...did you know that the cross was an instrument of torture?"

oh no....