Surprises for the unsurprisable

Sweet Neville came running into the kitchen minutes ago and and said: "Mommy, I've got a surprise for you!" He had his hands behind his back and the most delightful smile on his fair face. "Tell me, Nev, what is it?" And from behind his back he produces five daisies. "I found them in the grass by the puddle" says he.

Darling, gentle Neville. Thank you.

Happiness and Longing

On a happiness note:
I've been ridiculously happy of late. Maybe it's the hot weather; or that things really are just right; maybe it's from the most obscenely chocolately cake I made on Monday that blasted all of the dopamine in my feel-good neurons; or the flash Down-Pour friends and I got caught in the other night while headed to a birthday party; or possibly that my polaroid camera is loaded and ready to go. I know nothing except this: I can't get enough of the song "in it" by Don Brownrigg, a dude from Newfoundland. It's got that Atlantic Canadian spirit. Makes me want to crack jokes, celebrate, cannon ball into the lake with my clothes on, spin in circles under the sky, go home to Nova Scotia, kiss and hug and run and jump and love, all with a silly grin on my face.

On a longing note:
Sometimes a person doesn't even know they miss something until it turns up in their mind for the 5090th time. What's been on my mind? The ocean. I really miss the ocean. I keep seeing and hearing it in movies and I have this odd body memory, those memories of childhood that feel more like limbs than thoughts. There is nothing like salt-water skin, salt-water hair, sand blasted feet, jellyfish stings. I've had some real life moments to the sounds of waves crashing. The next time I find myself at the ocean I will not even pause: I'll just take it full force and throw myself in.

I can't wait.

I think I'm crazy

How does a person know when they've lost their mind?
Is it even possible to know?
Or does your reality just slowly shift until eventually you find yourself in "crazy land" most of the time and it's been so gradual that it's your new normal?

All I know is this:

Moving/renovating + finding new childcare/being without reliable childcare + two adults who work 60+ hour weeks + an island + MASSIVE REPRESSIVE UNRELENTING parent/life guilt = CRAZY

Brain scrambling, mind numbing, certifiable craziness.

At least it's not snowing.

Mother's Day for a Mother

Saturday night:

6 p.m.
Lewis vomits while eating dinner. Like a Roman, he pukes on the floor, turns back to his food, and keeps on eating. I'm marginally horrified.

7 p.m.
I hear Lew coughing in his crib and go in just in time to see him vomit all over his bed.

7:15 p.m.
Cancel the babysitter and our plans to go out for drinks.

11: 25 p.m.
Neville wakes up complaining of aching legs. He crawls into bed with Duncan.

3:15 a.m. Mother's Day
Neville vomits all over the bed, Duncan, and the bathroom. (Note to selves: DO NOT MOVE A VOMITING CHILD.) I spend the next hour scrubbing the bathroom with bleach and washing laundry. I fall asleep to sounds of the an unbalanced washing machine bouncing around the laundry room.

7:15 a.m.
"Happy Mother's Day"
Oh, right. I say.

Lupdate

Lupdate = life update

1. Taxes are due in 2.5 days (holy freak show: an organized emily: could it happen?).

2. The new house closes in one week. Excuse me, I'm just going to go throw up a little in my mouth. Our new era: cash poor, house rich.

3. I'm over my new musical obsession: Eskobar. Thanks to them, I've required spiritual intervention and have picked up Buddhism (as of Saturday).

4. I cycled 20 km in a rain storm the other day on my road bike. When I got home, I actually poured rain out of my shoe. It was bliss. And the best part: a delicious steak was waiting for me. I cried tears of happy joy while I ate the shit right out of that red meat nirvana.

5. A miracle is currently under way: Spring!! The tides of the universe have shifted and I (that would be me) spent a good portion of the last weekend sun tanning various parts of my body. It was 27 Canadian degrees. I couldn't not lie in it. Naked.

The view from my belly

6. I almost lost my new cell phone. The reason I have a new cell phone: I lost the old one. Twice.

7. I'm growing hair. Luckily, it's on my head, right where it should be (I've routinely shaved it for over a year). I have no idea what this new hair growth is leading to.

8. Lewis has learned how to take his clothes off. Compulsively.

Everything grows.

Today is Neville's 4th birthday. He is my favorite Neville in the whole world. He is the child I dreamed I would have: long, lean, blue eyed and white haired.

The past four years of Neville have been a real go. He came into the world after an excruciating labour (I seriously thought I was going to die: once he was born I declared "it's a fucking miracle!" to which everyone replied "of course, a baby is born!" to which I clarified "no, the fact that I survived, that is the miracle!"). But he made up for it by being a delightful, easy, lovely little human. This, of course, was all due to my incredible genes and my incredible parenting.

But then, like lightning, like life, he morphed seemingly overnight into toddlerhood. For an entire year and a half (age 2-3.5) he attempted to gas light his parents, leaving us heaving on the floor, disoriented and drooling (on the good days!). To this day, he continues to know exactly what he wants and how he wants it but luckily is significantly less schizophrenic. Usually he is gentle, caring, and silly. Often he is whiny and stubborn. But he is always Neville. And I adore him.

Ritual-free

Being heathens/atheists, it's difficult to participate in customs that don't carry any personal significance. And for some reason it feels worse to only indulge in the fluffy side of the rituals, like the easter bunny. Alas, that is all we did this year: colored eggs, anticipated the coming of the Bunny, and then ate his/her/its chocolately offerings.

The Easter bunny (me) accidentally left all the chocolate in the car the day before easter and the beautifully formed chocolate bunnies I had purchased, melted. Luckily, the kids didn't seem to notice the mashed nature of the little creatures and enjoyed them all the same. (PS: no baskets here...we used bowls.) Such a lazy Easter Bunny.

The coloring...

Progress...

Complete!