The Last Time I thought I was going to go blind

1. completely disregard signs that my left eye is giving me problems. Blame the fuzzy vision and slight irritation on the contact not the eye. Keep this up for eight hours of shopping.

2. remove contact and notice: huh. weird. vision still messed up. maybe I just need to sleep it off.

3. wake up at 3 am in excruciating pain.

4. take a shower. try to sleep. worry I'm probably going to go blind. make a plan.

5. at 8 am, Run myself to the ER.

6. start comparing the pain to giving birth. realize vision is totally deteriorating. begin to (mildly, just on the inside) freak the fuck out. try to figure out how I'll ambush the doctor if I can't see him. focus on developing my "other senses."

7. ER doc dumps freezing-drops into my eye. Offer him a blowjob if he'd let me have some of that god juice for later.

8. get to see my "impressive" infection. feel the pain relief wearing off. panic.

9. 10:00 am: fill the "every two hour application" prescription. Bust it home and take ALL the pain meds I can. In one hour begin to beg and count minutes until I can have more.

10. make deals with non-existent entities re: I will never ever ever abuse my contact wearing again. 

11. take to bed since I can't open my eyes. 

12. 4 pm: start designing my glass eye.

13. get invited to a New Year's party. State "I'LL BE THERE" if I'm not having eye removal surgery. imagine myself at the party with a healed eye. imagine I'll feel incredible. 

14. 6:00 pm: notice I've stopped calling everyone I know begging for oxycodon.

15. 8:39 pm: I can open my eye! make a sandwich. feel optimistic about survival. begin to worry about narcotic constipation.

16. Oh I forgot: get caught wearing an eye patch in public. feel proud.

17. Rewrite motto from shop till you drop to shop till you go blind.   

Things Found*

In K-Town (3 hours of downtown shopping):

1 Black Pleather Skirt

1 Sweet Sweet (SWEET) Jumpsuit

40 points of pleasure

In MTL (6 hours of driving, 10 hours of downtown shopping):

1 pair of red shoes

1 pair of Orange boots

1 business-time dress

1 pair of too-tight grey pants

1 very empty gas tank

2000 points of pleasure

1 new tradition

___________________

*UPDATE: and 1 "Very Impressive" (said the ER doctor this morning at 8 am) cornea infection (which, btw, is very very hurty)

Love

Questing Questing

(yes I'm such a fucking sucker)

Today

December is still not over. I think December is trying to kill me. Can a month kill a person? The suspense (can it? can't it?) is torture. I'm 70/30 at the moment. I am going to try to distract myself by doing things I have not done before. Today this includes: hanging a picture. On a wall. 

I know. You probably want to do this too. And you are probably envious. 

My only concern? That I've actually done this before but it was so dull I deleted it from my mind. I hope that isn't the case. But I do seem to recall that it involves a drill, a calculator (YES!), a measuring tape, and a wall anchor. And x-ray vision to see the wall hazards. (pipes, wires, time capsules.) 

I suppose I should take a nap first. You know, before all this hard work.

Breakfast: so good.

Rye toast with apple butter, bacon (under the toast), orange juice (spilled on the table) and a slab of chocolate (the blob at the right). The background? Christmas aftermath.

Boxing Day "phews"

As in: Phew! it was almost a BIG problem.

1. The cat probably isn't going to die

2. The source of the "human" urine smell in the basement was uncovered and cleaned (fucking gross)

3. The "sty" in Dex's eye is finally responding to the topical polysporin. 

Lesson #73: Cooking Christmas Dinner

Don't take a nap while cooking the turkey.

Chirstmas, 2009 part II

4:00 am 

Dexter: We've got presents!

Me: It's still midnight. go back to bed

5:00 am

Dexter, Neville and Lewis: PRESENTS PRESENTS PRESENTS

Me: GAH it's not light out, it's still nighttime go back to bed!! Jesus Christ.

6:45 am (in the dark and rushing downstairs)

Dexter: Daddy said we can have our stockings!

Me: no he didn't. the rule is when it's daylight and everyone is up! Back upstairs! Pronto.

6:55 am

Neville: Oh no! It's getting Darker!

7:05 am 

Dexter: it's daylight!! Christmas Time!

Me: oh for the love of mercy...alright alright.

7:10 am

Me: slow down, someone is going to get a bad bad paper cut! AND then? who will be having any FUN?!

7:30 am

Dexter: Are there anymore presents?

Lewis: Chocolate! Trucks! Candy! Trucks!

Me: Coffee? Why didn't santa make me coffee? Jerk.

How to: pull christmas off in one day

1. drink too much wine the night before

2. sleep in.

3. Make Lists (To Do and To Get) AND a quest map.

4. Buy a bunch of stuff. Almost lose the car keys. Find them in my back pocket.

5. Take a BREAK. eat candy. drink tea. do various other Non-xmas-prepratory stuff.

6. Notice it's 3pm. GAH. Start making cookies. For Santa.

7. 3:05: oh no. the presents. forgot about that. shit. put the cookie dough in the fridge.

8. 3:30. Call my "other sister." Have a long and fantastically ridiculous conversation with Brato about our (brief) memories of going to mass last year and what he wants for christmas ("the head of a wooden Christian icon") and his new job as "price labeling boy" at the local store. Discuss explosive string. Talk about German Fruitcake and how calling it fruitcake is an insult. Make a Note to Self: Ask Brato's Mom for German Fruitcake next year. Oh and learn to write German.

9. 4:00 pm. shit. the cookies...

10. notice I forgot to put on deodorant.

11. 4.05: decide to take a nap

12. 5:00: wake up

13. pour myself a large glass of wine. 

12. start cooking dinner...cook, eat, clean up

13. hang stockings, leave cookies, kiss kids goodnight

14. 9:00 pm: pull out all the presents, start wrapping....

15. discuss our collective teenage-hood till 11:50. Head to Mass.

16. Arrive at Midnight Mass just in time for the last song and for everyone to leave. stand around and be two heathens. Swear that last year it was actually at Midnight. Try to crash another Mass without success. Number of full Masses I've attended in my life: 0. The mystery is really starting to get to me.

17. Arrive home. Read Mastering the Art of French cooking. Fall asleep almost under the tree.

Today

What are the odds I'll get murdered during daylight hours at my work place given that I'm the only person here? And it's so close to Christmas? Doesn't Christmas make murderers even more murdery? I think so.

Calculator says: 45%  

It's really very creepy up here. Just me and the Odd janitor? I'm guessing that's what that noise was...shit. I'm so dead.

(7 hours left to go.)

Tomorrow

Shit. More of the same. Except less. 36 hours left to go.

Last Night

I had a dream that the people I Really Miss sent me messages on my telephone. 

Today

Field Report to You: Oh My God.

33 years of misunderstanding

Rules I live by:

Rule #1: Give it away.

Rule #2: if some is good, A SUPER-LOT is probably amazing. 

Rule #3: if you can, put off doing stuff. sometimes procrastination saves the day (66% of the time). 

Rule #4: leave your shoes on when you come in my house. if you feel like it. and maybe someday you'll all let me do the same when I visit you.

Rule #5: people who say they are good, the most kind, the most awesome are usually the biggest dickwads/jerkfaces.  punch them for good measure.

Rule #6: holding on to stuff (anything) is futile. Particularly: children, people, life security, candy. 

Rule #7: popcorn is bad. poutine is good. steak, potatoes and bags of candy are best.

Rule #8: sometimes, just shut the hell up. 

Rule #9: pay attention

Rule #10: there is nothing to be scared of. except rabies. of course.

Rule #11: chasing the damn cat is a waste of time.

Oh No

Sign me up. to the flying trapeze. Yes Please!!

Things Found

Please remember me, fondly, mistakenly.

chirstmas, 2009

I was going to say something about christmas, but my mind is clogged with swear words lodged in cynical diatribes. and nobody wants to read that nonsense. So I'll just eat piece of chocolate #148 (of the morning) and quietly work on taking over the world with my small army of tinfoil men.

2010: I'm going to murder you with awesomeness!**COMPLETE

This year I'm going to do it. Totally totally do IT. IT being all those things I didn't do but said I would last year. Except be a better person. That's just futile. And frankly: people who say they are good, yikes, stay away from them (rule #5).

Top 20 to-dos this year:

1. ride a rollercoaster

2. expect less

3. taste-test LOTS of wine and discover five that I love. know them by name.

4. climb a real-live mountain on another continent

5. drive to the desert. 

6. go to a strip-club (never been)

7. go to NYC: practice hunting for apartments (for when I retire and live there)

8. become awesome at high-kicks

9. and punches

10. go skiing at least twice

11. stop drinking so much (which directly conflicts with #3)

12. learn to read minds/the future, better: point out to people when I know what's going to happen before it happens. Just so I can creep them out.

13. Seriously, I'm going to really learn how to cook properly. I'm over being an adequate chef. I want to see my food give someone a mouth orgasm. 

14. do what I say I'm going to do: so yes, I'm making a cake next week. for realsies. 

15. make a fucking quilt; ask my sister to help me make a fucking quilt.

16. stop giving a shit. except about things that REALLY matter: life and death and regular bowel movements.

17. be a picture of social grace, etiquette and charm. except of course, when I feel like being a raging jackass (89% of the time-thanks new calculator).

18. love, regardless

19. GROW LONG HAIR AND TELL PEOPLE ALL ABOUT IT.  (Hair update! it can touch the tip of my nose. The last time it was this long, I lived on Robie St. in another city and listened to albums on my record player and almost took up smoking as a full-time hobby. but learned to dive in the Atlantic instead.) 

20. turn everything into a story. tell the world.

Today's Charms

Besides the fact that every single paper towel dispenser that I encountered today was empty, this was a rad day. Namely because I bought a new calculator: 

It is plastic. And gigantic. and was 9 dollars. I won't lie. I've been in a significant slump for that last two years, work-wise, and have accomplished next to nothing, but with this (above): holy crap. I'm going to get some serious workage done. Serious. Subtractions. Serious. Science. I plan to calculate stuff everywhere: on the bus; in the bathroom; while I'm waiting in line to get coffee. I also got my hands on some polaroid film! It says on the instructions that this film (779) is ideal for crime scene documentation. Step 1: find my polaroid camera. Step 2: generate crime scene. Oh what FUN! Step 3: get back to work. I swear. 87.5% probable. (I used my new calculator to calculate that.)

How to: make a memory

Decide: I don't give a shit about the Olympic Torch that is coming through town at 6:30 pm. Arrive home: 6:35 pm. Decide: hey wait! I want to see it!! Bust in the door and Yell, KIDS GET YOUR CLOTHES ON LETS GO SEE THE TORCH FASTER FASTER. Throw Lew on my shoulders, walk as fast as we can to the end of our street, repeating, we probably missed it, we probably missed it all the way. Arrive at the bottom of the street just in time to see the torch running by, and decide to Run With The Torch (with one kid on my shoulders and two running behind me) and get swept away with the crowd. Run all the way to Market Square. 

Feel Fucking Triumphant. 

Decide I'll remember this forever.

Things found

"...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn..."

RAWR

Blame it on my wild heart. 

July, 1979

That's what the back says anyway: July, 1979. I think this was at the farmhouse in Nova Scotia and I think that's Dad's arm. And the story goes: someone made a joke that I was going to stay with Lloyd Forever and I cried because I thought it was true. But I was two. And Lloyd knew better: he's laughing! And when Dad called this morning and woke me out of a deep sleep, so deep my muscles forgot how to work, the last thing I thought he would say was that Lloyd had died in the night. Dying is strange. And when people die, it makes the memory of them (and them in your life) seem so much more fragile and slippery.  

My second Real Regret in life is that I didn't name a child after him. 

FYI

My kids are pretty fucking rad. 

I hope they'll want to hang out with me when I'm old.

Things found

Holy shit. stop the world. 

Listen. 

Conversations

In the school-yard:

Dexter's BFF: "So, what's your 'celebration' project on? Mine's on Christmas. I love christmas!"

Dexter: "Mine's on Easter...did you know that the cross was an instrument of torture?"

oh no....

Things re-found

Five Days in July

Current Kick

Hats!

Hat picked by: Nev and Lew while grocery shopping. Face: by me.

Things I love/hate

My cousin and I used to do this in our letters of love and longing. 

THINGS  I LOVE:

physical exhaustion, voracious reading of books, listening to the rain, sleeping without dreams, nice pens, brunch, last minutes, long solo drives on familiar roads, burying myself deeply in bed, water, the future, shooting the shit, kicks, real life surprises, being fucking weird, escaping, climbing trees, chain smoking, staring at the sky, 11:11, managing my monies, changing the rules, spring, deep night, cake, sleeping in, slowly drinking coffee, the saturday paper, abstract concepts, naps, being lost, beers and nachos and wings, a good story, floating in the bathtub, freshly cut finger nails, forehead kisses, my hat, silliness.       

THINGS THAT UPSET ME:

the words turd (100%), anywho(90%), whatnot(40%). Quitting. just missing the bus (i.e.: disappointments). Not sleeping. Self imposed insanity. routine. pointlessness. fools. complainers. myself. worrying. bragging. without social grace. micro-management. advice. gum stealers. closing the bathroom door when I shower. dealings before 9 a.m. screaming. plans. the wind. socks. 

A brief letter to my Cousin

Dear Cousin,

You must stop trying to die.

We (your family) won't have any of it.

We insist you get out of intensive care.

So you can have chemo.

And live for 60 more years.

We will except nothing less.

Your Very Serious and Older and Wiser Cousin,

e.l.s.

(PS: heads up universe, make way)

A brief letter to my Mother

Dear Mother,

If you die of a heart attack* shopping this Black Friday, I will be pissed. Just so you know. (But make sure you keep the receipts for everything you buy so if in the event of a fatale MI, I can return the stuff and get things for me--or just take the cash.)

Love, Your Caring Daughter

e.l.s.

______________________

*my mother was released from the hospital TODAY for chest pain (on an arsenal of don't-die-now drugs), so she can go to Maine tomorrow for American TG which really is all about: Shopping the outlets--sometimes I think we are related.

Things Found

Man (vascular surgeon) finds cure for wife's MS. Best Love Story Ever?

Current Kicks (updated!)*

1. reading before bed (Lady Chatterley's Lover)

2. a good night's sleep. (=seven hours and no night time roaming the house)

3. And bigger boobs (a full A cup! maybe). I hope I'm not dying.

*4 diet ginger-ale.

(I actually feel pretty good, well, except for the seething rage.)

Conversations

While coming home from white hot chocolate on a Sunday afternoon:

Dexter: I've been thinking a lot about dying lately.

Me: oh? and what were you thinking?

Dexter: what it feels like.

Me: while, I don't know what it feels like. I've never died before.

Dexter: well duh, you're standing right here!

(Neville snickers)

Me: I was making a joke hahahaaaaaa....So what do you think it feels like?

Dexter: like slowing becoming someone else.

Me: So you think we live again?

Dexter: yeah, the next generation is us after we die.

Me: Well, my little Buddha, that is called reincarnation.

Dexter: Well that's what I believe in. Can I play on the computer when I get home?

Conversations

Telephone rings.

Me: hello?

Phone: hello? hello mommy??

Me: yes? 

Phone: I was wondering if I could have a brownie??

Me: well, dinner is almost ready but yeah, sure go a......

Phone: eruptions of screaming excitement from children too numerous to count.

Line goes dead.

Nightmare #389

Last night I dreamed I was super pregnant. And like any horrific nightmare, I got my logical brain involved, rationed how it was impossible, and that when I woke up (and please woman, open your eyes, open your eyes!) I would not be pregnant. 

But the thought of going through another childbirth and toddlerhood is still haunting me. 

I still remember

I'd have gone wherever you wanted.

Conversations

Duncan: "I love you Lewis."

Lewis: "I love daycare."

Halloween 2009

(The constant smell of candy on their breath is making me want to barf...)

Dexter

Boys in battle-mode

Lew's costume of his own creation.

Lewis + Halloween

equals AMPED 

What I love about Today

1. Waking up at 5:30 a.m.

2. To stand in line for Three Hours 

3. With Three children (one who repeats "are we going to daycare?" every five seconds)

4. To get a flu vaccine*

_________________________

*I better not get sick 

Conversations

Nev: I hate speedbumps.

Me: Well, maybe you should write the Mayor and tell him about it.

Nev: What's a Mayor?

Dex: Neville, speed bumps are important. They save lives! Without speed bumps you drive too fast. And people get killed. See that baby in the stroller? Speedbumps make sure we drive slowly and don't run them over.

Nev: Oh.

Me: ah....right. Best not complain to the city then.

Today's Charms

Spontaneous street hockey with the 7 year-old neighbourhood boys. 

Then kicking their asses. (Me: 4, Them: 1)

CURRENT KICKs

Nachos. Candy. Lots and lots of both.

Witness number one (Cousin Heather): "Woman, we are checking you into Candy rehab." 

Rebuttal (me): "NO! Look, I can stop whenever I want to...or when the candy is all gone; whatever comes first."

Witness number two-five (pub companions): "Will this nacho-fest tide you over until next week?" And "Wow, you really eat those nachos with a PASSION!"

Rebuttal (me): "hey, hey waiter!! could I get a refill on the salsa and maybe some suicide sauce, god damn I'm hungry! I'm so happy!"   

St. Louis

Me and Sam: G&P's porch

Tomorrow's Motto

Ohhhhh myyyy God!

Find a cure, find a cure for my life.

The bullshit radar* is strong in this one

Dexter: what's in that wall panel?

Me: a time vortex spanning the universe.

Dexter: I don't believe you. It's too thin.

Me: that's the glory of the time vortex; it fits in small spaces.

Dexter: time vortexes don't exist. 

Me: how do you know? I mean really, How Do You Know?

Dexter: I've never seen one.

Me: you've never seen a zebra. Maybe they don't exist either.

Dexter: Zebras exist. they are in books.

Me: so are time vortexes.

Dexter: yeah, but that's SciFiction Mommy. 

Me: still, how do you know zebras exist and not time vortexes?

Dexter: cause people come back from trips saying they saw zebras. no one brags about seeing a time vortex.

Me: shit. you win. 

__________________________________

*(he also called us bullshit-liars when it was  suggested God distributed peanut sauce and that he should call God [555.LOVE] to voice his upset that our local grocery store doesn't carry it.)

wish #18

that areoplanes flew between 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. 

flying during daytime hours is a waste of daytime (one handed typing due to potato eating with left hand)

The Joke that isn't funny, anymore

Sometimes I joke about scabies. Or, as someone incorrectly referred to it the other day in their communication "OMG, were you at the hospital cause there's a scabbies outbreak." Scabies: Is only funny until rooms are blocked off with yellow caution tape.

If I get "scabbies" I'm going to lose my shit.

I will riot in the streets. I will throw my TV out my window. I will dismantle the alarm clock.

Scabies. it's just Not funny.

Multiple Choice Test take 2

Am I:

A. Starting up a roller derby league;

B. Going to Greece for two weeks;

C. Going to see Metric in Tokyo;

D. Quitting my PhD and Moving to NYC at the end of the month.

It's not B. That's the only hint you'll get.

I'll be glad to be your Jerk

1. going to St. Louis Instead of Chicago
2. making my jeans tighter Instead of making deadlines
3. not giving a shit Instead of wasting time worrying
4. eating three dinners Instead of falling into a fasting kick
5. taking muscle relaxants Instead of getting a massage
6. drinking coffees Instead of sleeping
7. eating edamame Instead of candy
8. drinking tea Instead of getting drunk (5 times out of 10)
9. daydreaming Instead of sticking to reality
10. forgetting Instead of remembering

8 a.m.

Current Kick

Books by me coming to you soon. Via me.

Fun Times.

Midnight Reflections

Someday, someday soon (so soon i can almost begin to imagine it, or as if it could happen at any moment), I will live a life without diapers. Go a day without touching someone elses' (there are a few of them) poop with my bare hands. Not have to change a poopy diaper half way through a meal and immediately return to eating as if nothing ever happened. Not have to bolt upright in bed at 6:15 when someone says: "Lew took off his diaper!" Not have to freak the fuck out when I discover that we are out of diapers at some terribly inopportune time. Not have to see the food I made yesterday fully undigested and identifiable after it traversed someone else's digestive tract. I am done. I am finished. It's been nearly EIGHT years of 2-5 poopy diaper changes a day. That's a fucking long time. A post-secondary degree's worth of poop time. I'd like my diploma please. And maybe a badge. Definitely someone to make me a sandwich.

Parental Law # 5

School Picture Day never accidently falls the day After you give your children haircuts.

Today's Motto

"You are NOT AN ANIMAL; pee and poop in the potty!!!"

Me to Lew after his fifth morning in a row of taking off his diaper and peeing and crapping on the floor.

(PS: demanding your child to grow-up does not seem to make them do so.)

How to: Be an awesome parent

1. copy other parents who you think do a better job than you
2. decided that the things you will copy are "scheduled after school activities."
3. sign your kid up for music lessons. at the university. at which they only learn theory. decide being a mean parent is akin to being a good parent.
3. take your kids to "Beavers" (no, this is not about vaginas or wood eating rodents)
4. decide to "opt out" when they have to oath to Love God and we have to pay 300 bucks for them to play freeze tag for an hour
5. tell your oldest son he will learn to play piano
6. sign him up for swimming on saturday mornings
7. make an appointment to talk to some people about karate.
8. look up the youngest age at which children can a) stay home alone and b) learn to drive a car
9. discourage quitting
10. eat chocolate chip squares for supper.

Lifetime motto

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

(Brilliant)

How to: Be a Hero?

Get in a fight with the kindergarden teacher over parenting philosophies.

Today's Motto

Color my life with the chaos of trouble.

(and yes, the two are unrelated, but I can't help myself. although they both featured in the movie I watched last night. so yes, this is completely unoriginal. I need a sandwich and a nap.)

How to: Drive a Person Mad

Stand beside them and repeat their name, Over, and Over, and Over, and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over again, in the form of a question. Add a hint of Whine.

(Mommehhh? mommehhhh? mommeehhh? mommehhhh? mommehhh? mommehhh?)

It works, it really does.

I look like a boy. This growing out my hair business isn't going as planned. Although it's refreshing to know that some people actually choose to have hair like this. Too bad they are all boys.

To Do List

1. Make chili with bison meat
2. consistently eat enough to start working out again
3. find student card in order to register for school (20 days late)
4. study physics. especially incline planes.
5. make a cake with carrots, zucchini and apples. Make it taste delicious.
6. plan a parade
7. make myself some shirts
8. cut the kids' hair
9. start a graphic novel
10. go to the bank
11. book a flight to Chicago
12. organize my shoes
13. resist temptation: this applies to shopping, eating chips everyday, drinking before 3 p.m. Monday through Wednesday, hyperbolization, Not Going (to anything I said I would), and wearing tutus outside of my house.
14. Limit list making

CURRENT KICK

Home cooked meals (i.e., making and eating dinner Every Night).

Number of nights in a row: 6

Flashback to 2002-2007 when I:
1. had a garden and made all my food from scratch
2. managed my finances too closely
3. ate three meals a day (plus snacks)
4. was in the business of growing babies from my body
5. watched TV
6. had boobies
7. worried
8. lived on an island
9. thought way way too much about cloth diapers
10. didn't stay up past 9:30 p.m.
11. drank milk
12. didn't drink coffee
13. had a religion: pizza EVERY SINGLE Friday Night.
14. was undoubtably a better person

Things Found

I'll do anything you ask and more.

sunday experiments

7:30 a.m.:
Teaching Lew to pee in the potty.

Hypothesis:
It's not going to work.

Method:
Keeping him diaper-less and telling him he's not allowed to pee on the floor.

9:15 a.m.
I quit.

So instead, Lew put on some high heels and we watched Pride and Prejudice...in a diaper.

Europe Round #2 highlights

My best bits of Rome and Sicily:
1. the Full Moon
2. the coldness of the roman fountains, climbing in them (I saw 22 of the 3000) and drinking the water they had to offer
3. the TV antennas that lined the rooftops
4. that I wore high heals most of the time
5. that the conference was open air
6. the blazing heat
7. getting my palm read (I will have one, maybe two, children)
8. Wine: all the time
9. taking a nap in the Oldest Church in Rome on Sunday morning
10. The big huge waves on the Sicilian beach and throwing my body into them
11. the bombed-out nature (from the second world war) of Palermo
12. breakfast on the roof
13. cockroaches in the streets
14. the silly grown men I was traveling with and their silly jokes
15. the food: the very underdone pasta, the fresh figs, the pastries, the coffee, the "meat" balls.
16. missing my babies so much that I almost stole other peoples'
17. cityscapes at night and night photography
17. the plane ride home
18. all the little boys that jumped into my bed and kissed me this morning

notes from abroad

fuck europe. i wanna go home.
true story.

Benefits of Living with a French Nanny

Lucy and the boys!

There are many:

1. she does the dishes. All the time. I have done them twice this summer.

2. she does our laundry. Also all the time. I think I've washed four loads.

3. she gets up in the morning with the kids. And we sleep in. Until the guilt registers (usually after 9:30 a.m.-ish). 

4. she folds the laundry. I never, ever do this. 

5. she makes beds. Awesome! 

6. she jumps up and says, no, no me! when there is a diaper to change. If you insist!

7. The kids love her and she loves the kids.

8. she's really happy

9. and extremely pleasant to be around

10. and the best part: Dexter has started speaking english with a thick french accent. 

Today's Motto

There's no need to play with my heart.

sigh.

Kicking kicks kick

8:35: coffee. I need coffee. first stop: coffee-land of coffee. coffee coffee coffee. fuck you light. I hate you morning. eat poop.

9:35: this is silly. I don't need coffee. I don't need anything. that's it: I'm kicking coffee. and it starts now!

10:45: this isn't so bad. doesn't hurt at all. while I'm at it I'm going to start doing other non-emily-like things...you know, being nice and having some principles. I feel GREAT. I'm going for a run while I plan my non-profit group for people with scabies.

10:55: I'm hungry

10:56: ha. a coffee shop....just going to get a small bite to eat...don't get coffee, don't get coffee, don't get coffee, get coffee, I want coffee, "I'll have a coffee thanks." Oh shit fuck. 

11:15 hello rainbows and unicorns! Oh LOOK. A puppy! I want to eat you cute little puppy. Maybe you should mate with this cute little kitten I found in my pocket! Why is everyone singing! Oh no! Am I in love with this lamp post! Who cares! I love you car!

sigh.

Current Kick

Spontaneous fits of Crying. 

How to: fuck the dog

This is not literal of course. 

1. get stuck in a monotonous daydream about cake

2. figure out when and where the next production of Carmen is playing...in the world. Daydream about going to see it.

3. spend a half hour listing (in your mind) why the song you love and have been listening to on repeat gives you boners in your ear.

4. go for a walk to "clear you mind" of things like "what am I going to eat later?" and "what the fuck am I doing with myself?" Walk in two concentric circles. Wind up where you started.

5. create a to-do list of all the things you need to be doing

6. prioritize the to-do list. put "stop fucking the dog" at the top 

7. think about what you'll wear on the plane to Rome next Tuesday. 

8. compose a thank you letter about cake to the last person who gave you cake. decide they'll probably think you are crazy and scratch it out. Decide you are crazy. wonder who else has noticed. 

9. Read the plot line to Dr. Zhivago (even though you've watched it already)

10. Register for school. Notice that you're actually signed-up to be doing a PhD. Decide you'll be a better student From Now On.

11. check the weather in Rome.

12. Notice you have 5 whole hours of work time left. plenty of time to Get Shit Done

13. daydream about napping.

14. notice you are hungry. think about cake. 

15. listen to some italian. learn the verb "to eat"

16. decide tonight you are going to really finally nail handstands. 

17. open the word document. 

18. write one sentence.

19. check the weather in Nova Scotia.

20. think about driving to Mount Rushmore with your brother-in-Law.

21. chew some gum.

22. eat the second half of your breakfast brownie.

23. decide that 3:31 is close enough to 6:00 to call it a day.

24. Leave.

10 Things

I miss to the point of distraction:

1. my babies. all the time. always. 

2. my sisters and brother

3. the sea

4. my bed

5. clarity

6. my guitar

7. long hair

8. summertime

9. meals

10. you

And naps: good god I miss naps (Dream-land: awesome-land)

Things Found

"And I've been trying to find what's been in my mind"

Reason #520

I am a bad person. If reason #519 didn't already cement the truth of this claim (I almost never use a 'reusable container' when I buy coffee) reason #520 put the final nail in my "I'm a terrible citizen" coffin: inadequate lawn care. Some people might think I'm being too hard on myself. Not the City of Kingston. I didn't even notice how unruly and apparently unsightly the weeds of my teeny tiny "lawn" had become until Friday night when I arrived home to find a gigantic pink city slip stuck to the front door outlining my horrific offense: some weeds. OMG: call the poe-lice. My first thought? I'm going to get that son-of-a-bitch who ratted us out. Was it the old people beside us who mow their lawn twice a day and have a pond with live fish? The laundry-mat owner who always offers to take away our leaves and spends a lot of time loitering from across the street? Or our lawyer neighbours who just recently smiled and made friendly small talk (back stabbing mother fuckers)? I'm so glad that my tax dollars go toward some asshole walking around making subjective opinions about my lawn. These are important matters after all. Right up there with AIDS and scabies outbreaks. 

Sigh. So I weeded it. But I did it in a really mad and angry fashion. And not completely. Cause it's Canada. And I can be an insolent asshole if I want to.

Dear St. Louis

I understand you are upset that I choose Greece over you and all of yours. But I thought we were even when everyone who visited you told me "it was the best time EVER, probably in the history of the universe, definitely in the history of this world, five notches above the best meal I've ever had at Burger King." I felt left out. Depressed. I tried looking at my tan to remind myself I had just recently been basking in the Grecian sun. But alas, I HATE missing out on fun even when I'm having loads of it myself. Someone once gave me an acronym for this disease but I also have the memory of a goldfish. I know I know. You feel about as sorry for me as well, okay, you hate me and want to cut me. But really St. Louis, did you have to send me your Tornadoes? I think this is taking things a little too far, personally. It's not like I showed up for dinner and shit beside the toilet instead of in it and then blamed it on your kid. I'll have you know that I found your little "Tornado warning: take immediate safety" threat titillating. After I was in the safety of my basement of course. I mean, it's really unfair to send tornadoes to places that don't have "tornado warning systems" or "sophisticated tornado tracking devices." I don't even have a TV. And it was nighttime no less, so I couldn't even see it coming even if I had tried. You are a sneaky little asshole St. Louis. And you got me. You got me good. Can we shake now?

e.l.s.

Today's Motto

Don't let them change you, or rearrange you.

Current Kick

Jumpsuits. No surprises there.

Proclamation

I've officially got the raddest brother-in-law in the world. Really. It's true.

Today's wishes

That I already had long hair. 

And that I'd stop waking up at 4 a.m.

That I had a mountain to climb.

And maybe that stray elephants wondered around. 

Cause really, that would be something.

Nitetime.

And then we rode.

For my Father

Last stop on the metro line.

Waiting

The people came to see the sunset.

Things found: notes from abroad

Step 1. Rock

Step 2. Bang

Answer: B

It was so outstanding, I'm envious of myself. 

Island hoping makes me look like a rockstar.

Oh! Did I mention our yacht?

Swim, nap, swim, nap (x 100). Everyday.

Today's Goal

Hm. Let's see. It's 10:29 p.m. I think I'll design and construct a jumpsuit for myself tonight. I think I need an espresso....

Designed by me. Made inside three hours. One piece.

Worn out in public to a LBD party with heels and a white jacket.

I'm a fucking superhero. In my own mind anyway.

Today's Motto

"The secret to Life: Hanging out with people you like."

Things found

After consultation with my career advisor, I've decided I'm quitting my life. Forming a band. And it will look like this.

Why I hate garbage day

I got home from the lab too late last night (was it 2 a.m.? I don't know) and promptly fell asleep on the couch. At 5:30 in the fucking a dot m dot, I am awakened by the sound that I can only imagine is a huge flock of extremely angry seagulls gang fighting each other with knives and guns over my garbage, outside my open window. This continued for what felt like infinity, or at least until the lead-footed three-year-old speed-junkie was awakened from his slumber (by the birds) and did his morning gymnastics routine which sounded like a jackhammer dismantling the second floor. Which was all well and good cause I moved to a quieter room. But then the garbage trucks. They started driving. Two or three came by with their screechy break stops every two minutes. At this point I decided it was time to get up. Today I did not like garbage day.

Tradition

Doing the things that I once did.

And then.

First, they tried to join the Reserves. (but finger sucking gets your application rejected.)

Then they went on rides. Neville: "I almost died." Dexter: "I almost broke my arm."

Then they had ice cream for lunch. 

Then they caught frogs.

And perhaps we played on the beach, watched a parade, and sometimes cried.

The End.

Observations

Some days are just weird. Some days make me wonder: Am I Crazy? in a panicked, tunnel vision, sort of "oh my god, maybe this is a true self actualization" moment. Today was just one of those days. For three reasons:

Odd Event #1. A hairless, shirtless running man with shorts way way too short (so short that when the wind blew, I saw things I should not have seen), who ran up to me while I was ordering food from the chip truck and said "it's okay, I'm just running to HERE." Huh? 

Questions I was left with: Was that the coming of God? Did I fail the test? Did I just completely blow him off as a near-naked weirdo? Would the 21st century God be hairless like the women in 21st century porn? Should I have high fived him when I saw his naked left bum check?

Odd Event #2. Everyone in the grocery store fell into one of three categories: a) had Crazy Eyes that made me think "CHRIST! look away, LOOK A-WAY." b) was handicapped in an understated yet creepy kinda way c) was a midget. And I thought: this is TOO outlandish I must be mad! I decided to look again, have an unbiased second opinion. Nope. Everyone looked loopy, mostly off centre and completely too small. 

Odd Event #3. The tail-less squirrel that lopped across my path. 

At this point, having spent a total of 30 minutes in the public domain today, I was 85% certain, that something, something, was up and probably out to fuck with me.

And that's when it occurred to me: I've lost my mind cause only people who are mad think like that. So I went home and made super and pretended like everything was normal.

Today's discovery

Nutella on timbits. All in the name of growing my boobies.

(shhhh....it's working)

Things found

My anthem. 

Went to the country; ate a lot of peaches

Unsolved mysteries:

1. watching fatal attraction at 5 a.m. on the airplane is a fine way to spend the early morning.

2. The woods makes my boobs bigger. 

3. getting there: aged me five years. mountain water: revitalized me. returning to civilization: nearly killed me. 

4. Lewis + airplane seatbelt = toddler on amphetamines. 

5. Mucking around for hours in the deep woods is fun.  

6. Maritime friendliness is jarring juxtaposed to my acquired central-canadian surliness.  

7. Kids don't care about rental cars. Not at all. Not one little bit. 

8. Rocket launchers are heavy and boys like it when girls try to lift them.

9. I was raised wild. I had forgotten.

10. beaches are the secret to the universe (or to concentrated fun-ness)

11. frogs are endlessly entertaining. As are ponds. And decaying ocean creatures. 

12. peaches are delicious.

Mysteries solved

1. cheap plan tickets usually mean waking up and driving at 3 a.m. 

2. children who wake up at 3 a.m. suck by 10 a.m.

3. dial-up internet keeps a person from wasting their life online.

4. tv fills the internet void

5. work is ridiculously lame and seemingly unimportant compared to simple forest living.

Current Kick

An urgent desire to delete my electronic life, give away all my stuff, run into the woods and talk to people only twice a year. Good luck trying to find me.

Late Nights at the Lab

If left alone too long I turn feral. And give myself ponies. And then take pictures.

How to: Take a chance #2

Tonight I booked a weekend adventure for four (me and three children for three days) to Nova Scotia. That would be this weekend. And no, I'm not particularly rich, but it feels like it as tickets were retardedly cheap. And when I say retardedly, I mean I'm pretty sure someone at the airline forgot to carry the one, or forgot the "required rape charge" that is the airport fee or was disgruntled and decided to fuck with the airline by under charging everyone. Am I excited? Hells yeah. And afraid. About 70% afraid. 

The Last Time

The last time it was sunny and nice (this is July? who would have known) we played outside on our concrete backyard.

And "Best Outfit" goes to Lewis.

My Gang: Chillin'.

Today's Motto

Sleep is for Dreamers.

Today's Goal

Get a "license in the art of getting things done."

HA! I'll add that to my To-Do list. Just under: Join Scientology.

Canada Day Realization

The best thing about fireworks: the sound and feel of the Explosion! (I'm listening and feeling the fireworks from my kitchen table. It is awesome: feels like war, makes my heart pound fast.) 

In terms of visuals: I prefer the moon. If only it had exploding sound effects....

How to: spice things up

Import a French nanny who will room and board for two months.

How to: Entertain yourself

Being the only person in the universe at school right now (so it seems at this 12:37 a.m.), here are some ways I've found to keep myself company while I record from brain cells:

1. drink carbonated beverages and chew gum (1500 mLs and 32 pieces of gum later I really gotta pee and I've run out of gum) 

2. pretend I'm in jail: pace the floor, do a series of push-ups, pull-ups and faux-boxing moves.

3. see how far I can spit.

4. practice my rap song.  

5. clean out the fridge.

6. eat everyone's food in the fridge and decide I will say it was bad so I threw it all out (see above).   

7. try to figure out why my iTouch isn't compatible with the ipod docking station. 

8. make a to do list: a) no beer drinking on tuesdays b) feed the fucking cat cause karma is a total jerk face c) get passport. 

9. write apology letters to all the people I'm mean to.

10. have extensive food fantasies: full course hot meals. think about chicken. 

11. explore positions that make my limbs fall asleep. 

12. braid my hair.

13. draw pictures of unicorns and puppies and big fluffy duvet covers.

This summer's Motto

Live spherically, in all directions at once.

This summer's kicks

1. ripe mangos

2. wife beaters

3. trips on airplanes.

Happy Birthday Lewis!

Today: Memories of my purple headed baby and my scariest (and hence last) birth. 

Rest assured: he's alive.

June 26th, 2009

Best things about Lew:

1. His insane energy and the glistening sparkle in his eye

2. His hair

3. How he greets absolutely everyone he sees

4. His love of accessories (shoes, shades, bags, underwear)

5. His general immaturity 

6. His love of cake, chocolate and gum (ALL inherited from his mother.)

7. His unrelenting curiosity (read: that he gets into absolutely everything and deconstructs it.)

8. His fearlessness. 

How to: feel undone

1. work for 14 hours. A few days in a row. feel beat down.

2. get drunk for the 2nd time in one week. get in a fight. feel like an alcoholic. 

3. see 11:11. have seen 11:11 everyday, sometimes twice daily for days on end. fuck you 11:11. Decide wishing on things is for re-tards. vow to never wish again. feel hopeless.

4. almost adopt a very baby skunk. Deliberate for a good 15 minutes. Convince yourself you could do the surgery to remove the stink gland (and by You, mean yourself). regret not taking the baby skunk home. feel forlorn. 

5. Book tickets to Rome and Greece in the same week. Realize you will be spending nearly a month of the summer not with your family. Feel depressed instead of excited. 

6. learn how to silent strum a guitar. Decide instead of being lonely for eight hours in the lab tomorrow you will play guitar while recording from neurons. feel pathetic.

7. miss your kids. miss your kids so badly. miss your kids too much. Look forward to waking up at 5: 30 a.m. on saturday morning with them. Wonder what the point of being is if you're not with the ones you love. 

8. eat some ham. feel full.

9. feel apathetic toward capitalization. feel like a lazy jerk.

The coming of Christ: omen 2 and 3

1. the liquor store staff are going on strike at midnight.

2. sudden mutiple-hour power outage. 

Maybe these are just omens to getting drunk. 

Omens are confusing.

Things I do not like

Maggots. Especially ones that have a trajectory.

Don't ask. 

But saying "Hey, I found GRUBS in my sink" feels a little less like a disgusting mind fuck. 

Is this one of the signs of the coming of God? Hmmm.

I'm going to go read the Bible. And watch for other omens.

Current Quests

Some things I am endlessly questing for (the number following the statement indicates the duration of years I've been searching):

1. the perfect pair of jeans; I currently own three non-perfect pairs, and just bought a new hopeful today. (working equation for the perfect pair (1.5): Awesome jeans = tightness + ideal length-ness + bum enhancing-ness (not squished/flattened) + look just right-ness every time + broken-in-ness.)  

2. the perfect hair style: right now I just wear a hat. I'm too ashamed (1.5).

3. Knee high boots that I can wear with EVERYTHING (including nudity; 2).

4. Larger boobs. Working recipe: Chocolate bars. And pastries. And Cake (2). 

5. the most timeless/romantic love story (1).

6. A killer suit (1). 

7. New stylin' specs (4).  

Things found

 This!

Makes me feel marginally better about myself.

Today's Motto

"Please--Tame me."

PS: Experiment results are here.

CURRENT KICK

OH MY GOD MY ROAD BIKE

It's better than chocolate: and if it didn't violate my lady parts I'd be on it 12 hours a day.

Road Rash

Hula hoop: 1, Lewis: 0. Word is he barely even flinched.

Today's Motto

From my brother's mouth:

"Diagnosis: Rage. Cure: Scotch."

EXPERIMENT

The Hair Straightener 

Hypotheses: 

I will have straight hair

I will have more friends

The sky will be bluer

I will smell like chocolate

Water will taste like beer

My underwear will magically always be fresh

Babies within a 50 mile radius will instantly stop crying

Enlightenment will finally be achieved by mankind

Results:

I have two less friends (they think puffy hair is rad. I disagree. Now they avoid me in public.)

I can't see the sky cause there is hair in my eyes.

My feet smell more. Achieving straight hair makes me sweat.

The babies. The babies cry all the time. They just don't ever stop.

I still have to do laundry. 

My electricity bills are higher.

I'm 5% more convinced Lew will be gay.

I am satirically morose.

Even beer doesn't taste like beer anymore. 

But my hair is straight. 

Conclusion: $45 did not magically change my life.

Today's Motto

who cares. [i.e., so what (read: whatever.)] sheesh.

CURRENT KICK

General Disinterest. 

Example #1: Doing stuff. Don't feel like it. Lying on the couch is so much easier. And while I'm at it, I might as well just close my eyes...for a minute...just a minute.

Example #2: Being around people: meh. Fuck off. 

Example #3: Eating: really? I have to? Again? So dull.

Example #4: This morning I thought: wouldn't it be nice if I just didn't have to poop. Ever? With that extra 30 seconds a day I could write letters to the government to lobby for my giant Arctic Ice Machine. Or not.

Example #5: I look like shit. And I don't care.

Example #6: A strong, almost irrepressible desire to litter.  

Example #7: Yesterday I almost wanted to challenge myself to an entire day without saying the "eff-word". I'm that bored. And boring. 

Postscript: I have so far said the "eff-word" 38 times today. That's a rough estimate. And I'm pretty sure one sentence contained only the "eff-word." Fucking hell. I suck. 

How to: Save the world

I think that bailing out GM (again) is about as good an idea as the one suggested by my friend to slow down global warming (and save the polar ice caps): build an ice machine up north and make a giant floating slushy! Fuck recycling. I'm going to start making ice cubes and mailing them to the arctic. 

How to: Be a Winner

1. Be a "good academic" and volunteer to present data (on a poster) at Research Day

2. Be so good show up an entire day early at the wrong place. 

3. Be even better and "plan ahead" by planning to arrive at venue before the conference (at 8 a.m.). Show up at work to pick up poster. Spend 15 minutes walking in circles (and saying Fuck a lot) because poster has vanished. Realize garbage man threw poster away.

4. Be lucky and find garbage man who says: "yeah, I got your poster, but sorry it's a little....mushed." Dig through garbage. Find poster! Unfold and attempt to smooth out poster. Drive to conference. Arrive late.

5. Be a salesman and spend 30 minutes selling my poster (read: not talking about my science but telling my story)

6. Win $500 for "Best Poster."

The moral of the story: you can be an idiot and still be a Winner!!* 

___________________________

*There is something so wrong with this world.

Happiness

Me. A long day. A hot bath. A snuggley bed. An epic novel. And nothing but the sound of a hard warm rain pouring down.

(Even better: imagining how goddamn good it's going to feel.)

Things and stuff I don't/won't do

1. Become an official member of any group. I can't belong to anything. Sure, I'll come hang out with your group. I'll play with your group. I'll contribute to your group. I'll even believe I might join your group. But really? no. About three weeks in I'll get "creeped out" by "groupness" and "doing things together on a regular basis" and disappear. 

2. Any of the "what-kind-of-whatever" quiz shit on facebook. They make no difference to me. 

3. Girls. I don't do girls.

4. Eat leftovers if they are "left-over" for more than two days. Well, I might eat them, I just won't enjoy them.

5. Eat Goat products. Ick. This has everything to do with raising goats as a kid. My siblings are the same.

6. Go sock-footed or bare-footed inside. 

7. Make myself lunch in the mornings. Every single morning I'm convinced I'll never be hungry EVER and most certainly not at any point during THAT day. Oddly, every day at roughly 10 a.m., I'm starving to death. Repeat for my entire life. Prepared-ahead food just isn't as delicious as food either a) someone else has made or b) I order/make fresh. 

8. "Save some of it for later." Must eat it ALL RIGHT NOW. 

9. Arrive late. It's physically impossible for me to be late. I do not do this. And if you make me wait: I'll fucking plot your murder and feel 100% justified.* Reason #89 why I shouldn't own a gun.

10. Wear running shoes or hiking shoes with anything but workout clothes which I'm wearing because I'm going to they gym/on a hike. When I put on sneakers with jeans, it feels like I haven't come out of the heterosexual closet and I'm "faking" being a lesbian just to fit in. Uncomfortable. If you ever see me doing this, it isn't me, and please kill the fashion-senseless thing that has obviously taken over my body.  

________________

*This I blame completely on my mother who is oblivious to time and made me wait and wait and wait four hours in my youth.

This Weekend's Motto

Doing stuff is overrated.

CURRENT KICKS

It's happening again: I'm collecting bicycles. The ones with curly handle bars. 

Last week's stats

Number of Germans in my house cooking me dinner: 2

Drinking glasses broken by Lew: 1

Daycare reprimands: 2

Threats from Revenue Canada: 1

Faces busted-up at the playground: 1

Golf-cart rides while eating burgers: 0 (unfortunate)

Free cookies: 3

Brain scans performed: 1

Perfectly executed insults: at least 5 but probably more

Beers consumed: Less than 7

Tanks driven by "student drivers" spotted: 1

Sisters visiting: 2 (one mine, one someone else's)

Sushi meals consumed: 1

(Bad) radio interviews given: 1

Potlucks attended: 1

Naps had: 5

fist fights* attempted: 20

fist fights lost: 20

__________________________

*ah, slap fights.

CURRENT KICKS

Naps. Everywhere. 

Examples from the last three/four days:

1. The public bench

2. The couch in the lab down the hall (I have no shame, really)

3. The "three-point-nap-enabler" (i.e., two chairs and one stool) in the lab

4. and today, My Bed (this one lasted three hours and was so delicious)

Give me a surface, any surface, between 2-4 p.m., and I'll nap on it.  

How to: make the best of my lameness

Things I am definitely good at:

1. naps: I rock the nap. Today I took a nap on a park bench. I tried to make like I was "reading" but really, I was just "faking." Ten people walked by. I could feel them wondering if I was dead. It was awesome.

2. eating. I'm always so freakin' hungry. Do you have any food? You better believe I'll eat your crackers.  I always bring an appetite to your party. Or your lunch. whatever.

3. being non-neurotic. yes: I eat things that have fallen on the floor (wasting food? sacrilege). and I have a serious blindness to disorder. there is an entire list of shit that I do, that most people probably find disgusting. I am disgusting. I won't tell you. You'll stop hanging around me. (Note to self: awesome way to discourage people from hanging out with me)

4. not giving a shit. which some people find really offensive. I'm sorry. If it makes a difference, I evenly don't give a shit about everything and everybody. (This probably has something to do with # 7 and a gross misinterpretation of the principles of Toaism.) 

5. not hurting myself. I have not hurt myself more times than I have hurt myself. A testament to my safety skills: Once a boyfriend and I wore helmets while we drove around for a week. He had an uncanny ability to manifest the deer that jumped in front of our car. What was my excuse? I was naive (and it made me laugh because it was ridiculous). 

6. being a jerk: yes. I'm also pretty awesome at this: I often make people cry. 

7. Not feeling guilty. I had a guiltectomy about 2 years ago. I am immune to: pet guilt (not petting my pet enough), birthday present guilt (sending a kid to a birthday party without a present: also see #6 above), telling-off little kids at the playground guilt (hey, it takes village to raise a child people), not-sending-cards-for-other-people's-significant-events guilt, etc, etc.

8. making a plan and NOT following through. Plans make me sweat because Expectations are born from plans which equals: disappointments. Just plan a party well in advance, invite me, let me emphatically say OH YEAH I'LL BE THERE, and watch me not show up. This is my best trick. However, if I show up saying: oh yeah, no, I don't plan on drinking much tonight. Watch out. Things are going to get retarded.*

9. sorting recycling. I've got the What's Accepted/Not accepted by the recycling man totally down. 

10. Procrastination. Testament: now. Deadlines are largely ineffective with me. Talk to me about a deadline (applying for national/provincial grants, program applications, taxes) and I'll tell you what happens when you don't comply (usually not too much that a little sweet talking -read: begging- can't fix). 

11. Apologizing. When you're as good as me at fucking things up, you get really awesome at owning it. 

12. Profanity. I seriously don't see anything wrong with this. I think children need to learn how to swear properly to avoid awkward slip-ups or silly rebellions (like asking your teacher to "pass the fucking pencil please"). I think purposefully not swearing is capital Lame: You don't swear? Well, here's a fucking medal. You must be an awesome person. Now stay the fuck away from me. Yawn. A well placed "fuck" or "cock" can really drive a point home. And make a lot of people giggle. (like me.) 

Hey, no-judging: we all get our kicks where we can.

Sigh.

_________________________

*What I mean by this is I'm about to get inappropriately drunk and make a large ass of myself. Good times, good times. 

The costs of sleeping in

This morning while completely paralyzed by the drug that is my soporific bed (crisp sheets, light cool breeze, fluffy cloud-esque duvet, and a dream world all too exotic), beautiful Lew:

1. took his poopy diaper off and smeared his poop everywhere

2. emptied an entire jug of milk all over the kitchen floor, that then leaked down into the basement and all over the clean laundry

3. chewed all my gum

4. got into my make-up bag and painted the bathroom.

And to think just yesterday I was remarking to myself how in love with him I am.

Having children was a very bad idea.

Lifetime Motto

I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot I guess not. 

How to: Feel the fleetingness of youth

Get carded at the beer store. 

Feel Awesomely young. And pretty dang rad.

Unable to find ID, beg for ability to buy beer stating that no one under the age of 19 has three children (use health cards as proof) or a gold card (with which you'll be buying the beer). 

Suddenly feel not-so-awesome and mostly just plain old... 

but as least have beer to drown sorrows. 

Today's Motto

Who's to say what's impossible.

CURRENT KICKS

Lew's Kick.

PONIES....

The more, the merrier.

Today's Motto

If that's the way it is, than that's the way it is.

CURRENT KICKS

Sunglasses. And white tank tops.

How to: (In-) effectively deal with your emotions

1. absolutely deny to yourself (and others) that you have "feelings" (which I suppose have something to do with "emotions").

2. exchange all "emotions" for the simplified, unitary, actionable "anger." Be Angry. 

3. punish yourself violently via working out

4. listen to some really loud music. 

5. burn a bunch of "bridges" with people.  

6. create something. Or: beat the living shit out of something. Possibly both.

7. consider founding a fight club, a roller derby team, learning to drive a motorcycle or murdering a bunch of old people. 

8. repeat until worn out and or anger subsides.

9. Voila! 

This is how much fun we have

Nev: Mommy, I had a great day today.

Me: Nev, it's 7:15 in the morning. We haven't even had a day yet. 

How to: Make me happy (supposedly)

Me: I love you Nev.

Nev: You BETTER BE HAPPY TOMORROW, 'cause there is NOT ONE BUT TWO TREASURE HUNTS FOR YOU. 

Wow. Two. Not sure I'll be able to handle it.

Things found

A dime stuck to Lew's bum. Weird.

Things found

A dime stuck to my leg. People need to stop eating lunch in my bed.

This Weekend's Motto

"And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong"

CURRENT KICK #80

The Brothers Karamazov and a slingshot.

Things Found

"Olivia"

Today's Motto

It's just money, after all. 

(Things emily can do but won't do after the 2009 tax season: accounting, book keeping, taxes -- she says as the 11:59 p.m. tax deadline consumes her.)

Happy Birthday Neville

Five years ago today, I was fighting my way through labour. The fight was dirty. The fight was mean. Until 12:40, Neville's Birth Day is all I'll be thinking about. 

Today's Motto

Seriously. I'm really not worried.* About any of it. 

_________________________

*For all those out there who are losing their shit.

Things Found

Outside the MTL derby arena. 

Last week's stats

Milk: was definitely a good choice (on St. Viateur).

Number of:

couches slept on: 3

times I didn't get caught speeding: 12

neurons recorded from: 16

grants for next year obtained: 1

times I was hit on by women: 8

transgendered people that talked to me: 3

poutines that saved my life: 1

St. Viateur Bagels bought: 12

personal revelations: 2

outrageously beautiful days (read: HOT): 2 (1 per city)

times a wrong turn was taken: 4

party dresses purchased: 1 

work days skipped: 4

arabic lessons: 3

french lessons (trash-talk only): 1

fancy Toronto party invites: 1

nightmares: 5

times cake was eaten: 0 (boo)

naps in random places: 2

Things Happening

I'll be going away all weekend long to be with my fabulous brother. Sans my "normal" life. Sans my "normal" funtimes. Sans it all. I really hope I don't go blind (and believe me, there is a real chance of this). Read: I'm likely going to blow my mind.

MTL Roller Derby. Definitely NOT for sissies. 

(Try not to be too envious Dad.)

Things clarified

6:45 a.m. this morning while trying to "nuggle" with me:

Me: Lew, you are WILD 

[he was using me as a slide whilst playing peek-a-boo and "nuggling"]

Lew: No, no. I CRAZY. 

[His eyes glowed ever so softly]

And the "Hurricane Gene"* lives on.

________________________

* My sister was dubbed "Hurricane Jane" as a toddler. 

Things found

I need one of these. (That would be an actual horse with actual laser beams shooting from it's eyes.)

Dear World

Thank you for existing: you know, for life and rainbows and water coolers and baby dolphins.  

That being said: fuck you and all your fucking bacteria and viruses (virum, vira? I only got a pity B+ in latin remember). I know that some of them are "good" and "keep us alive" but all those asshole ones? Yeah, the gastrointestinal ones? Don't look so innocent and beautiful world. You know what I'm talking about. The ones that make my kid barf all over everyone five minutes before he is to be picked up from daycare? Just in time for the workers to see and ban me and my kid for TWO DAYS? (Two fully paid for non-refundable days.) Not to mention, the complete and near absolute probability that I too will be barfing exactly when I plan on taking myself to Montreal for a roller derby funtastic bonanza with my brother? Yeah those ones: can suck it. I know I'm sounding a little hostile and angry with you world, for inventing and mutating such things on a constant basis, but really? Two goes in one year? Sigh. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I hope all of your volcanoes erupt at the same time, your oceans boil and your ice caps COMPLETELY melt. So there, HA HA, Look who'll be laughing then!

e.l.s

Today's Motto

Productivity is for suckers, sissies, and communists. 

CURRENT KICK # 11000

Being an exaggerated version of myself. 

(I blame over-caffeination and extensive exhaustion.) 

A little bit blurry, slightly distorted, and maybe not really there.