Sunday Action Plan

A bunch of stuff I plan to do today in order to feel less like the lazy jerk that I am and more like an outstanding winner:

1. Use the buttermilk to make pancakes for brunch

2. make muffins for lunches (hopefully use buttermilk)

3. Read two chapters for my "book club"*

4. paint the nails on my Other Hand: maybe. I'm almost positive I hate finger nail polish, hence the "only paint one hand for now and see how it makes me feel" experiment. When I look at my painted nail hand, for some reason it makes me feel like a middle aged jewish woman. And since I'm neither Jewish nor middle aged (yet) it makes me feel uncomfortable.

5. Resist the chocolate cake (that called for the damn buttermilk in the first place)

6. Force the kids to eat some ice cream. There is too much in the freezer and there is no room for things like "frozen fruit and vegetables." And since I'm such a good parent, they hate ice cream along with food like "chips and cookies." Maybe if I sprinkle broccoli on top they'll act like regular children. 

7. Wash little boy underwear. They change their underwear like ten times a day. I don't know what this means.

8. Finish those goddamned pillow covers

9. Call my mother

10. File T4s before midnight and process a bunch of other over-due government paper work.

11. Go to the gym and run a small marathon

12. Sear some fresh tuna for my gourmet dinner

13. Read a science article at least twice

14. Find the transfer cable for my camera

15. Put pants on Lew

16. Put pants on me

I'll feel like a fucking super hero and high five myself at least ten times if I power through this list. Although, I've been Sunday Emily before and know that she is extremely lazy and generally disinterested. Which makes me afraid for the future.  

*Consists of me and an eight year old girl. 

CURRENT KICK #456

Acts of Extreme Girliness.

The evidence:
1. a nail painting session which gave birth to an obsession with nail care.
2. a makeover: Smashbox reps at the drugstore did my make-up.
3. unnecessarily complicating my drink order at Tim's.*
4. paying to get my hair cut.
5. Saying shit like: "Oh my god, I'd love to go wedding dress shopping, giggle giggle giggle!"

6. Having the urge to watch "The Notebook."

I'm beginning to hate myself. I'm going to go watch some Rambo and drink too much beer, and eat steak sandwiches. Well, as long as the beer is "light" and the rain stops so my blow-out isn't ruined....(JUST JOKING! sigh)

*"half coffee with half hot chocolate and a little bit extra milk?"

Things found # 1

on the interwebs:

"OLIVE JUICE"

your mouth spells it out

I blurt

"i love you too,"

but I spoke too soon

all you said was...

"olive juice."

5:45 in the a dot m dot: the naked snooze button

Dirty faced and nearly naked

Lew: [exiting his crib and running to my bedside] "BOOM....boom boom boom boom boom."

Me: "For the love of everything holy child, it's not morning. Go back to bed."

Lew: "Peee, diaper, peeee"

Me: "huh? OH CHRIST WHERE'S YOUR DIAPER? ack, huh, what are you doing? Get off my head! You're naked!"

Lew: "Nuggle? Me Nuggle?"

Five seconds later.....

[pulling at my arms and pulling the blankets off of me]

Lew: "MAMA! GET UP! Breakfast, breakfast. MAMA CEREAL."

Me: "GAH, just give me five minutes..."

Repeat until 7 a.m.

Today's Motto

Everybody needs a tank.

ACCIDENTAL KICK #780

Acts of public nudity.
I answered my door twice this week while seriously under dressed. Which begs me to explain myself to the guests: "I'm sorry I'm nearly naked. I just got out of the shower, don't have any clothes on below the waist, am enjoying my Sunday, like my new underwear, etc, etc." My new brother also saw me completely naked this weekend. My theory: eventually, over my lifetime, everyone in my city will have seen a good portion of me without clothes on. Or at least in my underwear. I don't try to hide it. I am not ashamed. It's natural. And frankly, sometimes, my pants are just too hot.

How to have a double-F birthday

Two of the three sibling characters 

1. On birthday-eve, Challenge yourself to drink every drink people put in front of you

2. nakedly fall into bed just pre-dawn;

3. Hear people rushing the stairs (children? neighbours?) and cringe at how awkward it will be when they reveal your naked body;

4. Get ambushed by one sister and two brothers, who drove all night from Nova Scotia to surprise you, and holy shit, did they ever surprise you. Experience euphoria;

5. Eat cake and sushi all day;

6. Get phone calls from around the world from all the people you love;

7. buy yourself a dress (or two);

8. have a party;

9. do it all on Friday the 13th!

CURRENT KICK #100

Cake.

I've decided to die young. 

some random things about current me:

1. I love astrology. Chinese and/or Western: mixed together, all alone. All of the above. I can spend hours reading up on it. Especially when I should be doing anything else. I check my daily horoscope from the paper and Rob Brezney's weekly. I think it's the coolest funnest shit ever. The first thing I rudely ask New People is their birthdate. I'm such an asshole. 

2. I adore eating. I get really excited about eating. I get excited about bread. And chicken. Roast chicken. I love to eat until I'm too full. I'll sprint 200 metres for cake. I like going for a few days eating very little to get a real hunger on. I love steak and potatoes. And eggs. Before a forthcoming delicious meal, I will fast. I like to work my body until I bleed and fall mad-starving face first onto a meal: taste buds 10-hundred times their tasting strength! 

3. This week I can't stop thinking about pink satin. And how I can wear it everyday. 

4. I love shopping for clothes. I have a terrible weakness for bags, coats, and cute underwear. I love reading magazines about fashion. I dream about designing and making my own stuff. 

5. I am tragically addicted to my gross grey tuque. I haven't washed it. Ever. Ick. I want to wear it all the time. With everything. Even high heels and pink satin dresses. Something in my mind tells me it looks elegant. The juxtaposition. But no. It really doesn't. I just look like an ashen penis (and yes, that is the current running joke). 

6. If you dare me, I'll do it. Fear has never stopped me. I don't have any phobias. I used to fear: needles, vomiting, bad breath, sweaty armpits, debt, death, my sewing machine, wearing skirts, going to the gym, make-up, high heels, the post office. 

7. I find special pleasure in sleeping on the couch with all of my clothes on. I do this regularly.

8. I dig love stories and love poems. But I do not understand sentimentality. Disney makes me angry and violent and draw Venn Diagrams with swear words. 

9. I really enjoy dropping the f-bomb in semi-inappropriate settings. 

10. I have faith in Karma, my new deodorant, fortification, my new kettle, my motor cortex, the healing powers of 3 a.m. poutine, and you.

11. I really look forward to knowing my children as adults.

13. And PS: I'm Canadian.