1. going to St. Louis Instead of Chicago
2. making my jeans tighter Instead of making deadlines
3. not giving a shit Instead of wasting time worrying
4. eating three dinners Instead of falling into a fasting kick
5. taking muscle relaxants Instead of getting a massage
6. drinking coffees Instead of sleeping
7. eating edamame Instead of candy
8. drinking tea Instead of getting drunk (5 times out of 10)
9. daydreaming Instead of sticking to reality
10. forgetting Instead of remembering
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Midnight Reflections
Someday, someday soon (so soon i can almost begin to imagine it, or as if it could happen at any moment), I will live a life without diapers. Go a day without touching someone elses' (there are a few of them) poop with my bare hands. Not have to change a poopy diaper half way through a meal and immediately return to eating as if nothing ever happened. Not have to bolt upright in bed at 6:15 when someone says: "Lew took off his diaper!" Not have to freak the fuck out when I discover that we are out of diapers at some terribly inopportune time. Not have to see the food I made yesterday fully undigested and identifiable after it traversed someone else's digestive tract. I am done. I am finished. It's been nearly EIGHT years of 2-5 poopy diaper changes a day. That's a fucking long time. A post-secondary degree's worth of poop time. I'd like my diploma please. And maybe a badge. Definitely someone to make me a sandwich.
Parental Law # 5
School Picture Day never accidently falls the day After you give your children haircuts.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Today's Motto
"You are NOT AN ANIMAL; pee and poop in the potty!!!"
Me to Lew after his fifth morning in a row of taking off his diaper and peeing and crapping on the floor.
(PS: demanding your child to grow-up does not seem to make them do so.)
Me to Lew after his fifth morning in a row of taking off his diaper and peeing and crapping on the floor.
(PS: demanding your child to grow-up does not seem to make them do so.)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
How to: Be an awesome parent
1. copy other parents who you think do a better job than you
2. decided that the things you will copy are "scheduled after school activities."
3. sign your kid up for music lessons. at the university. at which they only learn theory. decide being a mean parent is akin to being a good parent.
3. take your kids to "Beavers" (no, this is not about vaginas or wood eating rodents)
4. decide to "opt out" when they have to oath to Love God and we have to pay 300 bucks for them to play freeze tag for an hour
5. tell your oldest son he will learn to play piano
6. sign him up for swimming on saturday mornings
7. make an appointment to talk to some people about karate.
8. look up the youngest age at which children can a) stay home alone and b) learn to drive a car
9. discourage quitting
10. eat chocolate chip squares for supper.
2. decided that the things you will copy are "scheduled after school activities."
3. sign your kid up for music lessons. at the university. at which they only learn theory. decide being a mean parent is akin to being a good parent.
3. take your kids to "Beavers" (no, this is not about vaginas or wood eating rodents)
4. decide to "opt out" when they have to oath to Love God and we have to pay 300 bucks for them to play freeze tag for an hour
5. tell your oldest son he will learn to play piano
6. sign him up for swimming on saturday mornings
7. make an appointment to talk to some people about karate.
8. look up the youngest age at which children can a) stay home alone and b) learn to drive a car
9. discourage quitting
10. eat chocolate chip squares for supper.
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