EXPERIMENT

The Hair Straightener 

Hypotheses: 

I will have straight hair

I will have more friends

The sky will be bluer

I will smell like chocolate

Water will taste like beer

My underwear will magically always be fresh

Babies within a 50 mile radius will instantly stop crying

Enlightenment will finally be achieved by mankind

Results:

I have two less friends (they think puffy hair is rad. I disagree. Now they avoid me in public.)

I can't see the sky cause there is hair in my eyes.

My feet smell more. Achieving straight hair makes me sweat.

The babies. The babies cry all the time. They just don't ever stop.

I still have to do laundry. 

My electricity bills are higher.

I'm 5% more convinced Lew will be gay.

I am satirically morose.

Even beer doesn't taste like beer anymore. 

But my hair is straight. 

Conclusion: $45 did not magically change my life.