Lewis + Halloween

equals AMPED 

What I love about Today

1. Waking up at 5:30 a.m.

2. To stand in line for Three Hours 

3. With Three children (one who repeats "are we going to daycare?" every five seconds)

4. To get a flu vaccine*

_________________________

*I better not get sick 

Conversations

Nev: I hate speedbumps.

Me: Well, maybe you should write the Mayor and tell him about it.

Nev: What's a Mayor?

Dex: Neville, speed bumps are important. They save lives! Without speed bumps you drive too fast. And people get killed. See that baby in the stroller? Speedbumps make sure we drive slowly and don't run them over.

Nev: Oh.

Me: ah....right. Best not complain to the city then.

Today's Charms

Spontaneous street hockey with the 7 year-old neighbourhood boys. 

Then kicking their asses. (Me: 4, Them: 1)

CURRENT KICKs

Nachos. Candy. Lots and lots of both.

Witness number one (Cousin Heather): "Woman, we are checking you into Candy rehab." 

Rebuttal (me): "NO! Look, I can stop whenever I want to...or when the candy is all gone; whatever comes first."

Witness number two-five (pub companions): "Will this nacho-fest tide you over until next week?" And "Wow, you really eat those nachos with a PASSION!"

Rebuttal (me): "hey, hey waiter!! could I get a refill on the salsa and maybe some suicide sauce, god damn I'm hungry! I'm so happy!"   

St. Louis

Me and Sam: G&P's porch

Tomorrow's Motto

Ohhhhh myyyy God!

Find a cure, find a cure for my life.

The bullshit radar* is strong in this one

Dexter: what's in that wall panel?

Me: a time vortex spanning the universe.

Dexter: I don't believe you. It's too thin.

Me: that's the glory of the time vortex; it fits in small spaces.

Dexter: time vortexes don't exist. 

Me: how do you know? I mean really, How Do You Know?

Dexter: I've never seen one.

Me: you've never seen a zebra. Maybe they don't exist either.

Dexter: Zebras exist. they are in books.

Me: so are time vortexes.

Dexter: yeah, but that's SciFiction Mommy. 

Me: still, how do you know zebras exist and not time vortexes?

Dexter: cause people come back from trips saying they saw zebras. no one brags about seeing a time vortex.

Me: shit. you win. 

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*(he also called us bullshit-liars when it was  suggested God distributed peanut sauce and that he should call God [555.LOVE] to voice his upset that our local grocery store doesn't carry it.)

wish #18

that areoplanes flew between 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. 

flying during daytime hours is a waste of daytime (one handed typing due to potato eating with left hand)

The Joke that isn't funny, anymore

Sometimes I joke about scabies. Or, as someone incorrectly referred to it the other day in their communication "OMG, were you at the hospital cause there's a scabbies outbreak." Scabies: Is only funny until rooms are blocked off with yellow caution tape.

If I get "scabbies" I'm going to lose my shit.

I will riot in the streets. I will throw my TV out my window. I will dismantle the alarm clock.

Scabies. it's just Not funny.

Multiple Choice Test take 2

Am I:

A. Starting up a roller derby league;

B. Going to Greece for two weeks;

C. Going to see Metric in Tokyo;

D. Quitting my PhD and Moving to NYC at the end of the month.

It's not B. That's the only hint you'll get.

I'll be glad to be your Jerk

1. going to St. Louis Instead of Chicago
2. making my jeans tighter Instead of making deadlines
3. not giving a shit Instead of wasting time worrying
4. eating three dinners Instead of falling into a fasting kick
5. taking muscle relaxants Instead of getting a massage
6. drinking coffees Instead of sleeping
7. eating edamame Instead of candy
8. drinking tea Instead of getting drunk (5 times out of 10)
9. daydreaming Instead of sticking to reality
10. forgetting Instead of remembering

8 a.m.

Current Kick

Books by me coming to you soon. Via me.

Fun Times.

Midnight Reflections

Someday, someday soon (so soon i can almost begin to imagine it, or as if it could happen at any moment), I will live a life without diapers. Go a day without touching someone elses' (there are a few of them) poop with my bare hands. Not have to change a poopy diaper half way through a meal and immediately return to eating as if nothing ever happened. Not have to bolt upright in bed at 6:15 when someone says: "Lew took off his diaper!" Not have to freak the fuck out when I discover that we are out of diapers at some terribly inopportune time. Not have to see the food I made yesterday fully undigested and identifiable after it traversed someone else's digestive tract. I am done. I am finished. It's been nearly EIGHT years of 2-5 poopy diaper changes a day. That's a fucking long time. A post-secondary degree's worth of poop time. I'd like my diploma please. And maybe a badge. Definitely someone to make me a sandwich.

Parental Law # 5

School Picture Day never accidently falls the day After you give your children haircuts.

Today's Motto

"You are NOT AN ANIMAL; pee and poop in the potty!!!"

Me to Lew after his fifth morning in a row of taking off his diaper and peeing and crapping on the floor.

(PS: demanding your child to grow-up does not seem to make them do so.)

How to: Be an awesome parent

1. copy other parents who you think do a better job than you
2. decided that the things you will copy are "scheduled after school activities."
3. sign your kid up for music lessons. at the university. at which they only learn theory. decide being a mean parent is akin to being a good parent.
3. take your kids to "Beavers" (no, this is not about vaginas or wood eating rodents)
4. decide to "opt out" when they have to oath to Love God and we have to pay 300 bucks for them to play freeze tag for an hour
5. tell your oldest son he will learn to play piano
6. sign him up for swimming on saturday mornings
7. make an appointment to talk to some people about karate.
8. look up the youngest age at which children can a) stay home alone and b) learn to drive a car
9. discourage quitting
10. eat chocolate chip squares for supper.