Benefits of Living with a French Nanny

Lucy and the boys!

There are many:

1. she does the dishes. All the time. I have done them twice this summer.

2. she does our laundry. Also all the time. I think I've washed four loads.

3. she gets up in the morning with the kids. And we sleep in. Until the guilt registers (usually after 9:30 a.m.-ish). 

4. she folds the laundry. I never, ever do this. 

5. she makes beds. Awesome! 

6. she jumps up and says, no, no me! when there is a diaper to change. If you insist!

7. The kids love her and she loves the kids.

8. she's really happy

9. and extremely pleasant to be around

10. and the best part: Dexter has started speaking english with a thick french accent. 

Today's Motto

There's no need to play with my heart.

sigh.

Kicking kicks kick

8:35: coffee. I need coffee. first stop: coffee-land of coffee. coffee coffee coffee. fuck you light. I hate you morning. eat poop.

9:35: this is silly. I don't need coffee. I don't need anything. that's it: I'm kicking coffee. and it starts now!

10:45: this isn't so bad. doesn't hurt at all. while I'm at it I'm going to start doing other non-emily-like things...you know, being nice and having some principles. I feel GREAT. I'm going for a run while I plan my non-profit group for people with scabies.

10:55: I'm hungry

10:56: ha. a coffee shop....just going to get a small bite to eat...don't get coffee, don't get coffee, don't get coffee, get coffee, I want coffee, "I'll have a coffee thanks." Oh shit fuck. 

11:15 hello rainbows and unicorns! Oh LOOK. A puppy! I want to eat you cute little puppy. Maybe you should mate with this cute little kitten I found in my pocket! Why is everyone singing! Oh no! Am I in love with this lamp post! Who cares! I love you car!

sigh.

Current Kick

Spontaneous fits of Crying. 

How to: fuck the dog

This is not literal of course. 

1. get stuck in a monotonous daydream about cake

2. figure out when and where the next production of Carmen is playing...in the world. Daydream about going to see it.

3. spend a half hour listing (in your mind) why the song you love and have been listening to on repeat gives you boners in your ear.

4. go for a walk to "clear you mind" of things like "what am I going to eat later?" and "what the fuck am I doing with myself?" Walk in two concentric circles. Wind up where you started.

5. create a to-do list of all the things you need to be doing

6. prioritize the to-do list. put "stop fucking the dog" at the top 

7. think about what you'll wear on the plane to Rome next Tuesday. 

8. compose a thank you letter about cake to the last person who gave you cake. decide they'll probably think you are crazy and scratch it out. Decide you are crazy. wonder who else has noticed. 

9. Read the plot line to Dr. Zhivago (even though you've watched it already)

10. Register for school. Notice that you're actually signed-up to be doing a PhD. Decide you'll be a better student From Now On.

11. check the weather in Rome.

12. Notice you have 5 whole hours of work time left. plenty of time to Get Shit Done

13. daydream about napping.

14. notice you are hungry. think about cake. 

15. listen to some italian. learn the verb "to eat"

16. decide tonight you are going to really finally nail handstands. 

17. open the word document. 

18. write one sentence.

19. check the weather in Nova Scotia.

20. think about driving to Mount Rushmore with your brother-in-Law.

21. chew some gum.

22. eat the second half of your breakfast brownie.

23. decide that 3:31 is close enough to 6:00 to call it a day.

24. Leave.

10 Things

I miss to the point of distraction:

1. my babies. all the time. always. 

2. my sisters and brother

3. the sea

4. my bed

5. clarity

6. my guitar

7. long hair

8. summertime

9. meals

10. you

And naps: good god I miss naps (Dream-land: awesome-land)

Things Found

"And I've been trying to find what's been in my mind"

Reason #520

I am a bad person. If reason #519 didn't already cement the truth of this claim (I almost never use a 'reusable container' when I buy coffee) reason #520 put the final nail in my "I'm a terrible citizen" coffin: inadequate lawn care. Some people might think I'm being too hard on myself. Not the City of Kingston. I didn't even notice how unruly and apparently unsightly the weeds of my teeny tiny "lawn" had become until Friday night when I arrived home to find a gigantic pink city slip stuck to the front door outlining my horrific offense: some weeds. OMG: call the poe-lice. My first thought? I'm going to get that son-of-a-bitch who ratted us out. Was it the old people beside us who mow their lawn twice a day and have a pond with live fish? The laundry-mat owner who always offers to take away our leaves and spends a lot of time loitering from across the street? Or our lawyer neighbours who just recently smiled and made friendly small talk (back stabbing mother fuckers)? I'm so glad that my tax dollars go toward some asshole walking around making subjective opinions about my lawn. These are important matters after all. Right up there with AIDS and scabies outbreaks. 

Sigh. So I weeded it. But I did it in a really mad and angry fashion. And not completely. Cause it's Canada. And I can be an insolent asshole if I want to.

Dear St. Louis

I understand you are upset that I choose Greece over you and all of yours. But I thought we were even when everyone who visited you told me "it was the best time EVER, probably in the history of the universe, definitely in the history of this world, five notches above the best meal I've ever had at Burger King." I felt left out. Depressed. I tried looking at my tan to remind myself I had just recently been basking in the Grecian sun. But alas, I HATE missing out on fun even when I'm having loads of it myself. Someone once gave me an acronym for this disease but I also have the memory of a goldfish. I know I know. You feel about as sorry for me as well, okay, you hate me and want to cut me. But really St. Louis, did you have to send me your Tornadoes? I think this is taking things a little too far, personally. It's not like I showed up for dinner and shit beside the toilet instead of in it and then blamed it on your kid. I'll have you know that I found your little "Tornado warning: take immediate safety" threat titillating. After I was in the safety of my basement of course. I mean, it's really unfair to send tornadoes to places that don't have "tornado warning systems" or "sophisticated tornado tracking devices." I don't even have a TV. And it was nighttime no less, so I couldn't even see it coming even if I had tried. You are a sneaky little asshole St. Louis. And you got me. You got me good. Can we shake now?

e.l.s.

Today's Motto

Don't let them change you, or rearrange you.

Current Kick

Jumpsuits. No surprises there.

Proclamation

I've officially got the raddest brother-in-law in the world. Really. It's true.

Today's wishes

That I already had long hair. 

And that I'd stop waking up at 4 a.m.

That I had a mountain to climb.

And maybe that stray elephants wondered around. 

Cause really, that would be something.

Nitetime.

And then we rode.

For my Father

Last stop on the metro line.

Waiting

The people came to see the sunset.

Things found: notes from abroad

Step 1. Rock

Step 2. Bang

Answer: B

It was so outstanding, I'm envious of myself. 

Island hoping makes me look like a rockstar.

Oh! Did I mention our yacht?

Swim, nap, swim, nap (x 100). Everyday.