1. naps: I rock the nap. Today I took a nap on a park bench. I tried to make like I was "reading" but really, I was just "faking." Ten people walked by. I could feel them wondering if I was dead. It was awesome.
2. eating. I'm always so freakin' hungry. Do you have any food? You better believe I'll eat your crackers. I always bring an appetite to your party. Or your lunch. whatever.
3. being non-neurotic. yes: I eat things that have fallen on the floor (wasting food? sacrilege). and I have a serious blindness to disorder. there is an entire list of shit that I do, that most people probably find disgusting. I am disgusting. I won't tell you. You'll stop hanging around me. (Note to self: awesome way to discourage people from hanging out with me)
4. not giving a shit. which some people find really offensive. I'm sorry. If it makes a difference, I evenly don't give a shit about everything and everybody. (This probably has something to do with # 7 and a gross misinterpretation of the principles of Toaism.)
5. not hurting myself. I have not hurt myself more times than I have hurt myself. A testament to my safety skills: Once a boyfriend and I wore helmets while we drove around for a week. He had an uncanny ability to manifest the deer that jumped in front of our car. What was my excuse? I was naive (and it made me laugh because it was ridiculous).
6. being a jerk: yes. I'm also pretty awesome at this: I often make people cry.
7. Not feeling guilty. I had a guiltectomy about 2 years ago. I am immune to: pet guilt (not petting my pet enough), birthday present guilt (sending a kid to a birthday party without a present: also see #6 above), telling-off little kids at the playground guilt (hey, it takes village to raise a child people), not-sending-cards-for-other-people's-significant-events guilt, etc, etc.
8. making a plan and NOT following through. Plans make me sweat because Expectations are born from plans which equals: disappointments. Just plan a party well in advance, invite me, let me emphatically say OH YEAH I'LL BE THERE, and watch me not show up. This is my best trick. However, if I show up saying: oh yeah, no, I don't plan on drinking much tonight. Watch out. Things are going to get retarded.*
9. sorting recycling. I've got the What's Accepted/Not accepted by the recycling man totally down.
10. Procrastination. Testament: now. Deadlines are largely ineffective with me. Talk to me about a deadline (applying for national/provincial grants, program applications, taxes) and I'll tell you what happens when you don't comply (usually not too much that a little sweet talking -read: begging- can't fix).
11. Apologizing. When you're as good as me at fucking things up, you get really awesome at owning it.
12. Profanity. I seriously don't see anything wrong with this. I think children need to learn how to swear properly to avoid awkward slip-ups or silly rebellions (like asking your teacher to "pass the fucking pencil please"). I think purposefully not swearing is capital Lame: You don't swear? Well, here's a fucking medal. You must be an awesome person. Now stay the fuck away from me. Yawn. A well placed "fuck" or "cock" can really drive a point home. And make a lot of people giggle. (like me.)
Hey, no-judging: we all get our kicks where we can.
Sigh.
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*What I mean by this is I'm about to get inappropriately drunk and make a large ass of myself. Good times, good times.
4 comments:
We would so be friends.
Thank you for number 12. It's so well put. Much better than my attempt at it with my husband last weekend. I'm going to print it on little cards and just hand it to people from now on.
There is nothing like a well placed cock; that's true!
One of the best entries yet. Laughed my ass off.
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