Midnight Pilgrimage to Waffle Iron

My parents raised me poorly: I've been to church formally about five times. And those times I've gone I've done it all wrong. Once I even stole (on purpose) a granola bar from a church in PEI which, on the sin-o-meter I suspect negates my "approximately five" and "14 future" church visits. I'm pretty sure beside my name is a big evil frowny face. In red.

Sometimes I try. ish. Like midnight mass on Christmas Eve. I've attempted to go three years in a row, admittedly mostly out of sheer curiosity (what DO they DO and at Midnight no less?). All individually fails if the goal is to be there the entire time and pay attention and pray and give thanks. and stuff. Collectively, however, they might count for something.

1. xmas 2008. Accompaniment: German brother-in-law. Reason for fail: five minutes in, The German had to leave. Religion did not agree with him. Made his eyes burn and have 'ants in his pants.'

Portion of mass witnessed: incense, fake baby jesus, singing.

2. xmas 2009. Accompaniment: Sister # 2. Reason for fail: a) we arrived at midnight and the mass was OVER b) I was sporting the 'leper' look, being within 24 hours of having my face laser-burned off. I seriously thought I'd add to the ambiance. I was hoping for some pity. At least.

Portion of mass witnessed: everyone leaving and trying to not awkwardly stare at me for too long.

3. xmas 2010, tonight. Accompaniment: solo. Reason for fail: no intention of going. Except that at approximately 11:45 pm I remembered "shit fuck! my waffle iron at the lab, must fetch it for the morn, when thee shall make thine waffles to which thee shall top with spray whipped cream!" This is how I talk at christmas time. So I pilgrimaged. All the way across the park and into a creepy empty building. I was frightened. Of ghosts. No seriously, I'm not joking. I nearly fainted three times from my own shadow. I practically ran out of there screaming and crying like a girl. Waffle iron in hand, my holy shrine for thine waffles, and a fresh lease on life, I left the building, just as an ambulance rushed by with lights blazing. And I thought (because I'm a sick fucko): if only it was going to the church now that would make an awesome mass! I mean, maybe there is a real live re-enactment of the birth of christ. Or the christmas eve sacrifice-ee escaped just maimed instead of 100% killed! It was a sign. I was headed to mass! And sure enough, when I rounded the corner, there was the ambulance outside the church. Oh lucky day!

Portion of mass witnessed: If there is anything I do well, it's loiter and gawk. So I put my god given skills to work and watched the ambulance crew load up a sinner and take her away! I'd never seen that part of the service before. But I liked it!

I'm slowly piecing this "midnight mass service" together. But it's a tricky bastard and I need a few more tries. It's good to have goals. Especially in the name of redemption.