How to: Be a Winner

1. Be a "good academic" and volunteer to present data (on a poster) at Research Day

2. Be so good show up an entire day early at the wrong place. 

3. Be even better and "plan ahead" by planning to arrive at venue before the conference (at 8 a.m.). Show up at work to pick up poster. Spend 15 minutes walking in circles (and saying Fuck a lot) because poster has vanished. Realize garbage man threw poster away.

4. Be lucky and find garbage man who says: "yeah, I got your poster, but sorry it's a little....mushed." Dig through garbage. Find poster! Unfold and attempt to smooth out poster. Drive to conference. Arrive late.

5. Be a salesman and spend 30 minutes selling my poster (read: not talking about my science but telling my story)

6. Win $500 for "Best Poster."

The moral of the story: you can be an idiot and still be a Winner!!* 

___________________________

*There is something so wrong with this world.

Happiness

Me. A long day. A hot bath. A snuggley bed. An epic novel. And nothing but the sound of a hard warm rain pouring down.

(Even better: imagining how goddamn good it's going to feel.)

Things and stuff I don't/won't do

1. Become an official member of any group. I can't belong to anything. Sure, I'll come hang out with your group. I'll play with your group. I'll contribute to your group. I'll even believe I might join your group. But really? no. About three weeks in I'll get "creeped out" by "groupness" and "doing things together on a regular basis" and disappear. 

2. Any of the "what-kind-of-whatever" quiz shit on facebook. They make no difference to me. 

3. Girls. I don't do girls.

4. Eat leftovers if they are "left-over" for more than two days. Well, I might eat them, I just won't enjoy them.

5. Eat Goat products. Ick. This has everything to do with raising goats as a kid. My siblings are the same.

6. Go sock-footed or bare-footed inside. 

7. Make myself lunch in the mornings. Every single morning I'm convinced I'll never be hungry EVER and most certainly not at any point during THAT day. Oddly, every day at roughly 10 a.m., I'm starving to death. Repeat for my entire life. Prepared-ahead food just isn't as delicious as food either a) someone else has made or b) I order/make fresh. 

8. "Save some of it for later." Must eat it ALL RIGHT NOW. 

9. Arrive late. It's physically impossible for me to be late. I do not do this. And if you make me wait: I'll fucking plot your murder and feel 100% justified.* Reason #89 why I shouldn't own a gun.

10. Wear running shoes or hiking shoes with anything but workout clothes which I'm wearing because I'm going to they gym/on a hike. When I put on sneakers with jeans, it feels like I haven't come out of the heterosexual closet and I'm "faking" being a lesbian just to fit in. Uncomfortable. If you ever see me doing this, it isn't me, and please kill the fashion-senseless thing that has obviously taken over my body.  

________________

*This I blame completely on my mother who is oblivious to time and made me wait and wait and wait four hours in my youth.

This Weekend's Motto

Doing stuff is overrated.

CURRENT KICKS

It's happening again: I'm collecting bicycles. The ones with curly handle bars. 

Last week's stats

Number of Germans in my house cooking me dinner: 2

Drinking glasses broken by Lew: 1

Daycare reprimands: 2

Threats from Revenue Canada: 1

Faces busted-up at the playground: 1

Golf-cart rides while eating burgers: 0 (unfortunate)

Free cookies: 3

Brain scans performed: 1

Perfectly executed insults: at least 5 but probably more

Beers consumed: Less than 7

Tanks driven by "student drivers" spotted: 1

Sisters visiting: 2 (one mine, one someone else's)

Sushi meals consumed: 1

(Bad) radio interviews given: 1

Potlucks attended: 1

Naps had: 5

fist fights* attempted: 20

fist fights lost: 20

__________________________

*ah, slap fights.

CURRENT KICKS

Naps. Everywhere. 

Examples from the last three/four days:

1. The public bench

2. The couch in the lab down the hall (I have no shame, really)

3. The "three-point-nap-enabler" (i.e., two chairs and one stool) in the lab

4. and today, My Bed (this one lasted three hours and was so delicious)

Give me a surface, any surface, between 2-4 p.m., and I'll nap on it.  

How to: make the best of my lameness

Things I am definitely good at:

1. naps: I rock the nap. Today I took a nap on a park bench. I tried to make like I was "reading" but really, I was just "faking." Ten people walked by. I could feel them wondering if I was dead. It was awesome.

2. eating. I'm always so freakin' hungry. Do you have any food? You better believe I'll eat your crackers.  I always bring an appetite to your party. Or your lunch. whatever.

3. being non-neurotic. yes: I eat things that have fallen on the floor (wasting food? sacrilege). and I have a serious blindness to disorder. there is an entire list of shit that I do, that most people probably find disgusting. I am disgusting. I won't tell you. You'll stop hanging around me. (Note to self: awesome way to discourage people from hanging out with me)

4. not giving a shit. which some people find really offensive. I'm sorry. If it makes a difference, I evenly don't give a shit about everything and everybody. (This probably has something to do with # 7 and a gross misinterpretation of the principles of Toaism.) 

5. not hurting myself. I have not hurt myself more times than I have hurt myself. A testament to my safety skills: Once a boyfriend and I wore helmets while we drove around for a week. He had an uncanny ability to manifest the deer that jumped in front of our car. What was my excuse? I was naive (and it made me laugh because it was ridiculous). 

6. being a jerk: yes. I'm also pretty awesome at this: I often make people cry. 

7. Not feeling guilty. I had a guiltectomy about 2 years ago. I am immune to: pet guilt (not petting my pet enough), birthday present guilt (sending a kid to a birthday party without a present: also see #6 above), telling-off little kids at the playground guilt (hey, it takes village to raise a child people), not-sending-cards-for-other-people's-significant-events guilt, etc, etc.

8. making a plan and NOT following through. Plans make me sweat because Expectations are born from plans which equals: disappointments. Just plan a party well in advance, invite me, let me emphatically say OH YEAH I'LL BE THERE, and watch me not show up. This is my best trick. However, if I show up saying: oh yeah, no, I don't plan on drinking much tonight. Watch out. Things are going to get retarded.*

9. sorting recycling. I've got the What's Accepted/Not accepted by the recycling man totally down. 

10. Procrastination. Testament: now. Deadlines are largely ineffective with me. Talk to me about a deadline (applying for national/provincial grants, program applications, taxes) and I'll tell you what happens when you don't comply (usually not too much that a little sweet talking -read: begging- can't fix). 

11. Apologizing. When you're as good as me at fucking things up, you get really awesome at owning it. 

12. Profanity. I seriously don't see anything wrong with this. I think children need to learn how to swear properly to avoid awkward slip-ups or silly rebellions (like asking your teacher to "pass the fucking pencil please"). I think purposefully not swearing is capital Lame: You don't swear? Well, here's a fucking medal. You must be an awesome person. Now stay the fuck away from me. Yawn. A well placed "fuck" or "cock" can really drive a point home. And make a lot of people giggle. (like me.) 

Hey, no-judging: we all get our kicks where we can.

Sigh.

_________________________

*What I mean by this is I'm about to get inappropriately drunk and make a large ass of myself. Good times, good times. 

The costs of sleeping in

This morning while completely paralyzed by the drug that is my soporific bed (crisp sheets, light cool breeze, fluffy cloud-esque duvet, and a dream world all too exotic), beautiful Lew:

1. took his poopy diaper off and smeared his poop everywhere

2. emptied an entire jug of milk all over the kitchen floor, that then leaked down into the basement and all over the clean laundry

3. chewed all my gum

4. got into my make-up bag and painted the bathroom.

And to think just yesterday I was remarking to myself how in love with him I am.

Having children was a very bad idea.

Lifetime Motto

I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot I guess not. 

How to: Feel the fleetingness of youth

Get carded at the beer store. 

Feel Awesomely young. And pretty dang rad.

Unable to find ID, beg for ability to buy beer stating that no one under the age of 19 has three children (use health cards as proof) or a gold card (with which you'll be buying the beer). 

Suddenly feel not-so-awesome and mostly just plain old... 

but as least have beer to drown sorrows. 

Today's Motto

Who's to say what's impossible.

CURRENT KICKS

Lew's Kick.

PONIES....

The more, the merrier.

Today's Motto

If that's the way it is, than that's the way it is.

CURRENT KICKS

Sunglasses. And white tank tops.

How to: (In-) effectively deal with your emotions

1. absolutely deny to yourself (and others) that you have "feelings" (which I suppose have something to do with "emotions").

2. exchange all "emotions" for the simplified, unitary, actionable "anger." Be Angry. 

3. punish yourself violently via working out

4. listen to some really loud music. 

5. burn a bunch of "bridges" with people.  

6. create something. Or: beat the living shit out of something. Possibly both.

7. consider founding a fight club, a roller derby team, learning to drive a motorcycle or murdering a bunch of old people. 

8. repeat until worn out and or anger subsides.

9. Voila! 

This is how much fun we have

Nev: Mommy, I had a great day today.

Me: Nev, it's 7:15 in the morning. We haven't even had a day yet. 

How to: Make me happy (supposedly)

Me: I love you Nev.

Nev: You BETTER BE HAPPY TOMORROW, 'cause there is NOT ONE BUT TWO TREASURE HUNTS FOR YOU. 

Wow. Two. Not sure I'll be able to handle it.

Things found

A dime stuck to Lew's bum. Weird.

Things found

A dime stuck to my leg. People need to stop eating lunch in my bed.

This Weekend's Motto

"And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong"

CURRENT KICK #80

The Brothers Karamazov and a slingshot.

Things Found

"Olivia"