Milestones not talked about

By the time the third kid is born, you barely notice all those "first year" milestones (rolling over, passing things from one hand to the other, sitting, talking, walking, etc). Except of course, when they don't happen. Both Dexter and Neville did most of the milestone-esque things well ahead of time: Neville walked by 10 months, and Dexter talked in full sentences by 18. Lew is in no hurry. At all, on any front. At 14 months, he is still a total crawler and has zero words and doesn't seem to be understanding much of what we say ("where's your nose?" gets only a smiling face). He didn't sit until 9 months and didn't eat any solids at all until 10 months (despite my efforts) . There are moments of worry that he's delayed. But (I tell myself), there is a huge range of "normal" and Lew does seem to be on his own little developmental curve that keeps moving forward, just at its own pace. And besides, wasn't Einstein considered "slow?"

The milestones that I really want to talk about are different than the developmental ones above. I want to highlight parenting milestones, the ones that there are no books for. Like, surviving your first multi-child vomiting-poop-fest illness while having it yourself, or losing your kids (yes, all of them at once) in the department store.

Here are our recent parenting milestones (warning, these are kinda gross):

1. Balanitis: that would be inflammation of the foreskin. None of my boys are circumcised and up until a month ago, this has not been a problem. I hardly gave a thought to the little foreskins running around the house. Until one evening, when I unwrapped Lew's diaper and found a raging, ulcerated, pussing, wound-like sore on the tip of his penis. It was large and looked horrible. I panicked: my child's penis is going to rot off. He'll be a penis-less freak. I resisted the urge to run screaming to emerg and took him to the doctor first thing the next day.

What ensued was 2-3 weeks of multiple percriptions and doctor consults to battle the persistent "infection." At first the doctor said, "well, one bout of balanitis does not instantly call for a circumcision." Three weeks later we heard: "well, if this next anti-fungal doesn't work, I'm referring him to a penis-ologist and he'll need a circumcision." In an effort to try to figure out the problem, it occurred to me to try paper diapers until the infection passed. Zappo! Two days in disposables and it was a thousand times better. But was it the paper OR the anti-fungal? Returning to cloth only brought a return of the inflammation. And then child number 2 started getting balanitis from wearing the cloth overnight. I'm feeling torn: happy that he will not need a penile amputation, sad that the cloth diapers and overnight wear are the problem (my beloved cloth diapers). Interestingly there seems to be an absolute lack of information on the internet about balanitis and cloth diapers. Outcome: I've decided to change detergents, only use cloth during the day, and hope for potty training (the last one is a joke).


Brace yourself for the second milestone:

2. Pinworms. This is an intestinal parasite. They are worms. And they get pooped out. And they are plainly visible, squirming away in the poop. Eating dirt is the best way to contract them. Better yet, eat some cat poop and you'll get them for sure (Lewis actually did eat cat poop). They are beneficial, thought to boost immune systems preventing allergies and depression. I knew one of the kids would get them, sooner or later, and I was wondering how it would all happen.

Well, it went like this: I discovered them shortly before breakfast while I was washing out Lew's poopy diapers one morning last week. A quick trip to the drugstore, a small does of pinworm killing medicine for all kids, and it seems they are gone. For now. Although the images of the worms permanently burned on my brain have given me a mild case of post truamatic stress disorder.

I'm sure there are many more of these "parenting milestones" yet to come. I'm giddy with anticipation.